Wordless Wednesday

Curls Curls and More Curls

Every since I was pregnant and we found out that we were having a girl everyone has wondered whether or not she would have curly hair.

Allie has incredibly fine hair and it is definitely just like mine. For the record I hate my hair! It's curly but is a very coarse texture-it's hard to control and very frustrating to deal with. Bless her heart her hair is going to be much the same. When she wakes up in the mornings she has the truest bedhead that I've ever seen and the back of it has the same coarse texture as mine.

She had one curl in the very middle on the back for the longest time. She has started to get more and more curls in the back though and I can't wait to see if they continue to spring out.

Play Me A Song

One of the presents that Lucas got for Christmas was guitar lessons from one set of his grandparents. He started lessons the first week of July and is taking them every week. He's really enjoying it and always comes in excited to tell us what he learned. So far he's learned a few notes and even how to play about 3-4 songs out of his book. When he came home last week he said that he had learned the country waltz and it was the beginning of country songs - he was so excited because we love country music in our house.

I'm thinking if baseball or Nasa doesn't work out since those have always been the two things he says he wants to do when he grows up maybe he can fall back on the guitar one day.

Is It or Isn't It?

So they're calling for winter weather here starting tomorrow night and leading into Saturday. It's the TOP story everywhere. Morning news/noon news/evening news-it's the first thing they talk about. People here go crazy when they call for any sort of winter weather and when/if we do get it they don't react well in the south. The world stops!!!! Last year when we got about 4 inches of snow the news was on all day long showing it everywere. Seriously we don't get winter weather hardly ever-I take that back-we get ice and the threat of weather but seldom does the actual snow materialize. The kids are anxious and I'm not so happy about it. Don't get me wrong I love the snow and would love nothing more to sit and watch it fall until it is knee deep and everything looks so pure and peaceful outside. But not this weekend-of all weekends for it to happen-David has been on call since Tuesday and although the week hasn't been bad so far well it is clear the weekend is going to be a totally different story. I dread if something happens having to get four kids in and out of the ice/snow and doing all the laundry that will accompany them. I just want to sit back and enjoy the weather not sit and panic about my husband out on the icy and wet roads. Ugh!!! In a way I hope we get it because I know the kids want it and I'll admit there's nothing like pictures in the snow but then again I dread it-I'd like for it to be 60 outside and just send them out the door to play the day away.

For tonight I've got to head to the store and not for bread and milk because in SC it will all be gone already :) CRAZY PEOPLE but for coffee and orange juice. Because if Caleb and Allie have no orange juice well we're screwed over the weekend and I don't want to run out in the ice and rain just for oj-I have enough excitement in my life for now.

Wordless Wednesday

NEVER

I will never EVER ever go to the dentist again! And I don't even mean for myself but I won't ever take anyone to the dentist again. I'm done-I've served my time and it's over.

I had to take Lucas to the dentist this morning to have a crown put on one of his molars. It is still a baby tooth but had a huge cavity in it that they couldn't fill and didn't want to pull it. So I made the appointed and we were there bright and early at 8:00 this morning. I had the two babies with me and had dropped Jacob off at school beforehand. When we got there they went ahead and put the laughing gas on and did the jelly around his gum to numb it. Then the doctor came in to give the shot to further numb all around the tooth. At first that was fine until he got to the inside of the gum towards his tongue and it was obvious that it wasn't completely numb there yet. It killed me to watch him in pain with a shot in his mouth while I couldn't do anything about it but little did I know that the worst was not even there yet.

The doctor came back in after a few minutes and started drilling. He drilled for about 3-4 minutes during which I was up and down with Allie and Caleb while trying to hold Lucas' hand throughout everything. All the sudden while the hygenist and doctor were in his mouth working with the drill Lucas threw everyone off of him and shot straight up out of the chair. He started gagging and stood up with blood dripping out of his mouth. My heart stopped(don't forget I've got two babies by my side)-my nerves went and the panic attacks set in. I about flipped!!! He was horrified obviously! We got him back down while the dentist told him that he couldn't do that and explained why but honestly I think he was so scared he could hardly speak. I really think he left the room and changed his underwear(they had to be soiled after that experience). He said not another word while he worked that he didn't have to. He finished, got up and left. I don't think he'll ever forget today :)

When I think about it my insides still shake-my heart has yet to start beating in a normal rhythm and I've felt like putty all day. I tell you my dentist days are over!!!!

Confused

I feel totally out of it. I feel fake and tired and sick. I am the master at covering things up-making them appear to be everything they are not while I am falling apart inside. I'm there now. I can function on a daily basis which is much further along than I was a little over a year ago. At that point I was paralyzed with fear. In a way I am still there-paralyzed with fear yet I can go through the motions. It's all so confusing and complicated. People tell me to take things one day at a time and it's so easy to say yet so hard to do.

We take pictures and when people view them they say how happy we look. It really makes me think-isn't it amazing how we can put on a pretty face when the inside picture is totally the opposite? We always look at others and think they have it so much better than we do yet many many people are probably doing the exact same thing that I do on a daily basis.

I don't think anyone will ever know what the past 3 years of my life has been like. More days than not I don't think anyone cares, especially the one person that I would like to care more than anything. My husband says he's sorry and he is trying to make it better. Is he-yes-I will give him that. He is trying! But is it enough? Will it ever be enough? I don't know. I am broken inside and don't feel like he will ever truly understand what he has done to me. How could someone that is supposed to love you more than anyone else and is supposed to care for you and protect you from hurt be the one that hurts you the most? I wonder when the day will come that he will make his amends with me and why hasn't that day come already? Why do I come last? Why am I here taking care of him and his children and everything that has been done in the past is ignored as though we're just moving on. Yet I'm not moving on-I'm stuck back at day one when it first happened. The first time that his phone went unanswered and he didn't come home. I'm there on that very first night and it is dark,lonely and scary.

I'm trying though. I'm trying to hold it together and to take care of my kids and do what is best for them. I feel like most days I fail though. I feel like my nerves are gone and the panic is back. I jump at them-I yell more than I should. My patience is gone. I need to be a better mother-after all more than anything and most importantly that is what they deserve no matter what is going on in my life.