Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I've written before about my issues and the way I have or have not dealt with David's alcoholism. I have constant panic attacks because of it even to this day though people around me have no idea even though they might be standing right there when it happens. It is a struggle - a daily struggle. Out of all days it hit me on our anniversary what was really bothering me.

We went to eat dinner at a local Japanese restaurant after a very long day at the ballpark. This is one of our favorite restaurants and really on the rare occasion that we get to go out it is usually where we will choose to eat. My parents came over to watch the kids for a little while so that we could eat a quiet dinner together - or not so quiet as it turned out.

We sat at a pair of tables that had two of the most rowdy chefs in the entire restaurant apparently. They played off of each other like you wouldn't believe and were crass - boy it was unbelieveable. From the moment we walked in it was like we were sitting at a table of 18 instead of 8 and it was constant hoopla. I knew from the moment that the chef asked if anyone was celebrating anything and David said it was our anniversary that I was going to puke! From that moment on it all went downhill. The chef made a big deal out of the fact that we were there - really more of a show out of it than I have ever seen in a restaurant!!!! I was dealing with it until I heard him ask the waitress for some rice wine. I immediately had back to back panic attacks and was extremely nervous. David didn't even hear him but when I did I thought surely he's not getting that for us - I've never seen them do anything like that before in this restaurant let alone any other restaurant we've ever been to. That is until the waitress walks out with a large bottle of sake and 3 cups. For those of you that don't know sake is is Japanese liquor that is served hot and is very strong!!! I've only had it once - and whoo it'll burn your throat! As I wanted to crawl under the table and my heart was beating about 3000 times a minute David realized what he was doing too. As I was telling him that we didn't drink David realized what he was doing and spoke up also - Bless his heart!!! The guy must of thought we were kidding and starting to give it to us anyway - I finally got almost angry about it and said "We Don't Drink!!" Ugh! The chef went on to give it to a lady at the table directly across from us and the other chef and they went on to do shot after shot after shot then following up with vodka that was on the cart. I've never in my life seen the chefs there drink while they were cooking and have never seen them give it out to the customers - I was astonished and extremely uncomfortable!

I ate very little of my food and was more than ready to get out of there and just go home. Then it hit me later on that night - I'm not uncomfortable with people drinking necessarily because of me but I am uncomfortable with it because of David. I'm scared for him - scared is not even the word - I'm terrified for him! He says it doesn't bother him but I just can't understand that - it can't be good for him to be offered something let alone sit there and watch someone else drink. It makes me stop in my tracks to think about what would happen if he were to relapse again - I don't think I could handle it again and it sends my head spinning. To top if off things have been busy!!!! He's been working extremely long hours and up until last night we've had baseball practice every single day for the last 6 weeks. It's been weeks since he's been able to make it to a meeting and even before that one it was weeks also. I'm on pins and needles and simply scared! Don't get me wrong I don't like to see people drink - it makes me uncomfortable - I know what it has done to my life. It has torn me apart and changed everything around me. I've watched it almost destroy my husband and that's not okay with me. Simply seeing someone pour a glass of wine or fix themselves a drink can give me a panic attack! But for the first time I realized that one of the biggest reasons it makes me so uncomfortable is because I'm scared for David - scared of what it might do to him if he sees it even if he says it doesn't bother him.

It's a daily struggle and one I don't think will ever go away. I still worry and panic and stress over it. The dinner that was supposed to be quiet and enjoyable was anything but! I don't know that I have a desire to go back there - it was such a disaster! Why do people automatically assume that you drink? Why is society that way? It never struck me until we dealt with the issues we have but it is always automatically assumed that you drink. I hate that!



Monday, June 28, 2010

Karate Kids

Lucas and Jacob have started taking karate this summer and the excitement is over the roof!! Lucas went to a karate camp several years ago for a week and fell in love - he's asked me no less than 500 times during the last 3 years if he could take karate and Jacob - well karate is just Jacob. Jacob is into motorcycles,dirt bikes,cops,karate,wrestling - that's just him.

When we went to sign them up the owner of the building of course told me how it was more than just karate and that it was about self discipline and respect which by the way can't hurt Lucas or Jacob. Things have been tough around here lately and their behavior could definitely use some improvement. During his speech I felt like I was sitting in the principals office!!! Seriously I couldn't wait to get out of there I was so nervous! Glad I'm not the one that has to see him twice a week!!!

As soon as we got home they were ready for their first class and since they had to wait a couple of days they tried on their uniforms and attempted to show me some moves :) Lucas was so funny - he thinks since he had karate camp for a week he knows so much more than Jacob does so he had to teach him a couple of kicks. Jacob calls the roundhouse kick the rathouse kick :)

They've had 3 classes so far and love it! All they talk about all week is when they are going to get to go back to karate. They both have already decided they want to get black belts so it could be interesting!



Saturday, June 26, 2010

Happy Anniversary!!

Today is my husbands and my anniversary and where else would we spend it other than the ballpark?!? I do hear that we have a dinner planned though just the two of us :) a dinner without children - what else could I ask for no matter what the time or place!!! Allie might cry when I leave and she might cry while I'm gone (good luck Mom) but for one night - well it is what it is. :) It's a happy day!

I am so thankful to have him in my life. I have been blessed to have an amazing man that is supportive,loving,attentive and overall is the most magnificent father I could have ever asked for. I have never met anyone more dedicated and committed to everything in their life than he is.

I can't say it's been an easy 6 years - or 9 years overall but I'm so grateful for every single one of those days - good or bad. As most of you know that have been around my blog long enough we've had our struggles and they haven't been easy at all but there is not one day that I have regretted fighting for my marriage or my husband. In fact I don't think there is anyone worth fighting for more. I have been blessed with amazing children, a man who stepped up to the plate when he didn't have to and my best friend in life.

What else can a woman ask for? :) I look forward to the rest of our lives and can't wait to see what else we will embark on together - because overall I know that regardless of the circumstances and whatever we have to do above all else we will do it together, side by side and that is what truly matters to me. You see with him by my side there is nothing I can't accomplish.



Friday, June 25, 2010

5 Question Friday

I am so happy to see Friday morning!!! We have a baseball tournament all weekend so things will be busy but at least we will have Daddy around with us and that makes things much better!!!

It's also time for 5 of the most random questions on the planet :) Go visit Mama M at My Little Life and play along too.

1. Do you know how to play a musical instrument?

Does a recorder count from the fourth grade? Even then I wasn't that good with squeaks every other note or so. Guess that counts as a no.

2. What is your pet peeve while driving?

Old people that drive 10 miles under the speed limit and it's impossible to pass them and it always happens when you're in a hurry just to aggravate you more! Really I know they still want their freedom and they're holding onto it as long as they can but when the day comes that you can't drive the speed limit (or let's get real - 5 or 10 over) then you need to get off the road because you're just a pain in the caboose for everyone else out there. Whew ... glad I got that out this morning :)
3. Would you rather have a housekeeper or unlimited spa services?

Oooh this is a hard one. I think I'll go with spa services just because I am in desperate need of them and they are so much more expensive than a housekeeper if you go regularly. I can't tell you the last time I went to a spa - of course I have a gift certificate right now from baseball season that I haven't used yet - but really when am I going to find time to do that?

4. Is there a song that you hear that will take you back to the moment, like a junior high or high school dance?

Garth Brooks - "The Dance" This song reminds me of my very first boyfriend - when we broke up I sat in my room for days and did nothing but listen to this song on repeat and cry. Even when I hear it to this day I think of that time.

5. What song best represents your life right now?

Hmmm this one is hard. Maybe Mister Mom by Lonestar but in a female version :) I love the song Little White Church by Little Big Town right now - and there is another new one out that isn't huge yet called I will Pray for you and you think it's going to be a nice song when it starts out but then it gets smart a**ish (if that's a word) and goes straight to those people that aren't on your nice list. :)



Thursday, June 24, 2010

No Way...

                                                             This little boy is FINALLY ...

                                                                loving the water!!!!

                     After a near drowning and a fear of taking any risks in his mind he's having a blast!

                             It's so nice to see him smiling in the pool after all he's been through!

                                                         And he's not scared anymore :)



Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Lucas has been spending his summer so far playing allstars for baseball. It's been tiring and hot - did I say it's been HOT??? We've had temps in the mid 90s for about 2 weeks now with no break in sight. In fact it's supposed to be in the upper 90s at the end of this week.

It's always so funny to see the ball his his glove and the dirt come off - that's one dirty glove - I think he must store dirt in there at night or something.

We've played one tournament already and let's just say we didn't fair so well at that one. For some reason it seems as if the excitement and hustle is just missing from the team this year. We practice 7 days a week though we have taken a couple of days off here and there - they have it at practice. They are excited and they look awesome on the field - then when we get to the game it looks as though we just picked people up off the side of the road to play. Hopefully they have just been saving it all up for the real tournament this weekend.  Maybe I'm comparing it with last year when the team was always up and cheering as were the fans and everyone was into the game and hustling along whether it was 70 or 90 degrees outside. It's been totally different this year . We have another tournament this weekend which will determine if they play again or if they are done. See we play subdistrict this weekend and in order to go to district we have to finish in the top two. Hopefully these kids will come alive for the weekend!!

 I love this picture - when he gets up to bat and there's already 2 outs he warms up with the bottom half of his equipment on just in case - I think he looks so cute that way :)

Of course during all of this heat Lucas is behind the plate with all the extra equipment on too - I'm sure that doesn't add to the heat at all now does it?!



Monday, June 21, 2010


                                                                  How much fun

                                                  can you really have in a bucket of water?

                                                                   Apparently ALOT!!!!!

                                                This little girl spent hours in there the other day

                                                 her little brother even joined in on the fun...

                                    and I don't think I could have gotten her out for anything!

                  This is one of my favorites!! ( I love the butt sticking out and the belly hanging over!!)



Friday, June 18, 2010

5 Question Friday

I don't think I've ever been happier to see a Friday morning upon me. It has quite possibly been the longest two weeks ever in my life with David on call and the insanely long hours he has been working. I am sooooo ready for the weekend to begin so he can relax a little!!!!

Since it's Friday it's also time for 5 of the most random questions on the planet :) Head over to Mama M's at My Little Life and join in.

1. What is your favorite thing about summertime?

I love to watch the kids having fun! I used to hate being outside in the summer but now that I am actually out there in the middle of it I think of what I must have missed when I wouldn't go out bc it was too hot. I love to see the smiles on their faces - and there's nothing like a popsicle on a hot day :)

2. What is your ideal retirement location (if money didn't matter)?

Gatlinburg, TN and we will be there one day! This is where David and I have gone pretty much every year since we met and it is Heaven on earth. I never feel more at peace than I do when I am there - just pure happiness!!!!

3. Do you live in the same town you grew up in?

I do. I actually live in the house I grew up in. I can't imagine being anywhere else right now - being in the same town all my life actually taking my kids out of here while they are young kind of scares me.

4. What nervous habit did you have as a child that you kicked to the curb before becoming an adult?

Hmmmm....I used to bite my fingernails something terrible!!!! I mean I was horrible about it. My mom would put that hot stuff on my nails so I would leave them alone and I'd bite that off too. It took years and years to get out of that habit - into my adult years actually. I still revert back sometimes when I'm very nervous or anxious.

5. What is the most embarrassing thing that happened to you while on the job?

Wow that's a hard one bc it has been 6 1/2 years since I've worked outside the home. I'd say the last place I worked at where was I met my husband and though the situation was a bit different then since I wasn't "available" persay it was known beforehand that we were interested and together. I think when it was found out - the first day after was a little embarassing not bc I was embarassed of him but bc I worked in an air conditioning company full of about 20 men - you know how they can get :)



Thursday, June 17, 2010

Lucas 3rd Grade Awards

I am so far behind on the end of the school year. I did Jacob's awards but forgot about Lucas' so I figured I would get to them today.

Lucas had his awards a couple of days before school got out early in the morning. David and I were both able to go and Lucas was very excited that we were going to be there. I really had no idea what awards he was getting until his name was called.

He got A/B honor roll and this was a job this year. I will say that 3rd grade was a pain in my side the entire year. I was shocked at the difference from 2nd to 3rd - talk about a year of growing up bc that is totally what they expect you to do. It was a constant struggle! In the past Lucas has had all A's and although that was his goal ultimately this year he ended up with one B in the second nine weeks. It could have been so much worse so we were happy with what we ended up with. I have never been happier to see a school year come to an end though!

He also got excellent in art. Their art teachers choose a girl and boy from each class to receive this award so it was kind of neat that Lucas was picked. He has always loved art and will check books out from the library during the year showing him how to draw certain things.

He also got perfect and prompt attendance - this means that he was there every single day and on time. Honestly when they called this category I thought to myself, well that's definitely not us but apparently Lucas was there every day. This one kind of gets me because it seems like you could do horrible in school and still get an award if you're there everyday. Oh well - guess there's one there for everyone :)

After his awards ceremony we had their end of the year party which was an ice cream party - at 9 am in the morning!!!!!!! David had to go back to work and since I did room parent I had to stay. We sugared them up for about 45 minutes and then headed downstairs to do the same thing with Jacob's class. We were ice creamed out by lunchtime!