We take pictures and when people view them they say how happy we look. It really makes me think-isn't it amazing how we can put on a pretty face when the inside picture is totally the opposite? We always look at others and think they have it so much better than we do yet many many people are probably doing the exact same thing that I do on a daily basis.
I don't think anyone will ever know what the past 3 years of my life has been like. More days than not I don't think anyone cares, especially the one person that I would like to care more than anything. My husband says he's sorry and he is trying to make it better. Is he-yes-I will give him that. He is trying! But is it enough? Will it ever be enough? I don't know. I am broken inside and don't feel like he will ever truly understand what he has done to me. How could someone that is supposed to love you more than anyone else and is supposed to care for you and protect you from hurt be the one that hurts you the most? I wonder when the day will come that he will make his amends with me and why hasn't that day come already? Why do I come last? Why am I here taking care of him and his children and everything that has been done in the past is ignored as though we're just moving on. Yet I'm not moving on-I'm stuck back at day one when it first happened. The first time that his phone went unanswered and he didn't come home. I'm there on that very first night and it is dark,lonely and scary.
I'm trying though. I'm trying to hold it together and to take care of my kids and do what is best for them. I feel like most days I fail though. I feel like my nerves are gone and the panic is back. I jump at them-I yell more than I should. My patience is gone. I need to be a better mother-after all more than anything and most importantly that is what they deserve no matter what is going on in my life.