Monday, January 25, 2010

Confused

I feel totally out of it. I feel fake and tired and sick. I am the master at covering things up-making them appear to be everything they are not while I am falling apart inside. I'm there now. I can function on a daily basis which is much further along than I was a little over a year ago. At that point I was paralyzed with fear. In a way I am still there-paralyzed with fear yet I can go through the motions. It's all so confusing and complicated. People tell me to take things one day at a time and it's so easy to say yet so hard to do.

We take pictures and when people view them they say how happy we look. It really makes me think-isn't it amazing how we can put on a pretty face when the inside picture is totally the opposite? We always look at others and think they have it so much better than we do yet many many people are probably doing the exact same thing that I do on a daily basis.

I don't think anyone will ever know what the past 3 years of my life has been like. More days than not I don't think anyone cares, especially the one person that I would like to care more than anything. My husband says he's sorry and he is trying to make it better. Is he-yes-I will give him that. He is trying! But is it enough? Will it ever be enough? I don't know. I am broken inside and don't feel like he will ever truly understand what he has done to me. How could someone that is supposed to love you more than anyone else and is supposed to care for you and protect you from hurt be the one that hurts you the most? I wonder when the day will come that he will make his amends with me and why hasn't that day come already? Why do I come last? Why am I here taking care of him and his children and everything that has been done in the past is ignored as though we're just moving on. Yet I'm not moving on-I'm stuck back at day one when it first happened. The first time that his phone went unanswered and he didn't come home. I'm there on that very first night and it is dark,lonely and scary.

I'm trying though. I'm trying to hold it together and to take care of my kids and do what is best for them. I feel like most days I fail though. I feel like my nerves are gone and the panic is back. I jump at them-I yell more than I should. My patience is gone. I need to be a better mother-after all more than anything and most importantly that is what they deserve no matter what is going on in my life.




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19 comments:

Shannon said...

Don't be afraid to come on here and just keep it real with us. It helps us know how to pray for you. :)

♥Kim said...

:( I'm sorry! I just want you to know that we're here for you if you need ANYTHING! Praying for ya!

Kelli @ RTSM said...

Thanks for sharing so honestly with! I am sorry that you are still going through such a rough time. I think you were completly right when you said that everyone else is doing the same thing...we all try to cover up our hurt so that things seem perfect from the outside! Nobody is perfect, so don't worry about covering up how you really feel! I hope you start to feel better soon...and I hope your hubby tries to make amends soon, because you deserve it!

Rachel said...

Oh Stephanie, I am so sorry you are going through this. Though I don't know what life is like for you or this process that you are going through day after day. I do know that faking it is not fun. I look back at so many pictures and see the smile on my face but know the hurt that is inside. It's a slippery slope that never seems to end. Faking it becomes the new normal and that is a horrible way to have to go through life.

I do know that with my experience of my Dad being an alcoholic, I never get the credit or the I'm sorry or the anything where his drinking is concerned. It goes ignored. Still at my age and at his age, I am taking care of him, mending his mistakes and my feelings, worries and appreciation go swept under the rug. I assume this is only because of embarrassment. He feels ashamed and would rather ignore it than talk about it. So that's how it goes. This causes me a lot of resentment towards him and people ask why I still care, why I still stay by his side. It's simple, I love him.

Though you feel these feelings, it's hard to walk away because there is so much love there. It's a horrible disease that takes someone you know is a good person, to someone you don't even know. Someone you grow to hate.

I'm praying you can find your peace and that you feel happy again very soon. But, don't feel like you have to hide or be fake for those who are here for you.

Windy said...

still praying for you!

Liz said...

just getting around to catching up with my blog friends....I wish I had great words of wisdom to give you...All I know is that God will not give you more than you can handle (that's so easy to say from the outside)...He promises if we give our burdens to him, He will lighten them....I am saying a prayer for you right now...

Sugar Mommy said...

You are in my thoughts. No matter what the most important thing is for you to be happy. Your children will be happy if their Mommy is. Sometimes the road to that is more difficult than we think we can bare, but I have faith you can get through it, for yourself and for your children.

Vicky said...

Oh honey :) I'm sorry. I just hear your fear and panic and wish I could be there to help carry your burden!!

I know with 4 small children your hands are tied in so much of this, but I know you need to find a good group or a counselor! Or a pastor at church? An AA support group for families? Until you have your strength back, you need to know someone has your back, unconditionally, and it can't be him right now, I don't think he can give what you need right now.

At the very least, keep blogging about it, or writing it out and just know I care! Big hugs to you! Those kids are so lucky to have you for their momma!

Just Jiff said...

*HUGS*

Have you two considered counseling?

Sharon said...

Stephanie, people DO care. I care, and I sure wish I was there to be of help.
It's understandable the way you are feeling. And I am sad for you reading this, and sad that you are in this position.
Have you been able to find any help or support for YOU?
Yes, as mothers we need and want to be our best, but it's OK to be human around your kids, too. You are teaching them compassion, strength, and many other wonderful qualities right now.
And we all yell. We all grow impatient. It's the nature of the job. Don't beat yourself up.

Big hugs...

Veronica said...

I'm so sorry that things are still rough right now. You're right though, it sure is easy to put on a front. I will be praying for you and hope that you'll be able to start picking up the pieces and be able to start all over. Just remember, it's not your job to take on the weight of all your problems. That burden is too heavy. Talk to the Lord and tell him everything and ask Him to help you. Even if it doesn't feel like the relief is immediate, I know He will be there to help you.

Sending love and prayers,
V

Erin said...

Steph I am so sorry. I don't really know what to say because I am not in your shoes but I do want you to know that talking about it, writting it down n your blog is so important and such a big step. I can imagine you feel lonley and scared but I am hear listening and I know we have never met in person and I know I might be really young and I know I have no gone through what you are going through but I will be there in anyway I can for you.

I think its hard because as much as you dont want to give up on your marriage and your family you are having such a hard time and its taking away from what you can offer your kids. I wish I had better advice but my advice is to not hold things in, let them out and writing things down is the best way for me to let my feelings out without completely loosing it.

I am here for you, don't forget that! Always thinking about you!

Paige said...

I don't think that any of the pictures that we see in the "blog world" are as perfect on the "inside" as they appear to be. We all have our trouble, and we all have been broken down at some time in our lives. Some times the ones that we want to care the most, really never do and the scares remain. Just like no matter how bad we want something to work and we want to stop feeling that hurt in our hearts, sometimes we just never do. (Not that I'm preaching or lecturing you in any way..I'm just rambling on) I hope that you find peace and happiness.

Becca said...

oh girl. My heart is so broken for you and I hate that there's nothing I can do. You are in my prayers.

Alicia said...

Stephanie...I'll continue to pray, my friend. The only way to really let go of the bitterness is through the Lord. He is the one that can heal you of your brokenness and the walls that you built up around your heart.

HUGS,
Alicia

McCrakensx4 said...

no words will help, but knowing that your bloggy friends are 'here' for you hopefully will put a little sunshine in your life...faith is the hardest, but put it in HIM...He is the only way. Take care ((hugs))

MarvelousMOM said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry... You are a wonderful mother and your strength is amazing.

JC said...

girl, i feel the same way sometimes. it is easy to make it all look pretty in blog land though. wish there was something I could do for us both, but I feel too lost, lonely and scared. it is crazy to have someone by my side, but not feel they are really there...at least for me.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I don't even know what to say... First, I am sorry.. I am sorry for everything you have had to go through and everything you are still going through.. I do hope that you know you can come here and just keep it real with us.. We won't judge you or anything like that... I wish I had some advice or something motivating for you.. I have no clue what all you're having to go through, so I won't even attempt my little advice.. I just want you to know I'm here.. I'm here whenever you want me.. and even when you don't. You are an amazing woman and I don't know how you do everything you do... I know you feel like you're not doing a great job, but you have a lot on your plate and you're still making it.. I feel like I'm losing it sometimes and I only have one child and I don't have to deal with the things you do with your husband...

Oh and yeah, I agree.. most other people take those pretty pictures and there's much more different things going on inside.. even if it's not big things.. maybe a small fight or something like that.... it still happens and we all try to act like it's okay.. sometimes it's refreshing to just let it all go and be real.