Confession

Ever look at someones life and think that it is so much better than yours? I do it all the time..I look at others lives and think they have it perfect. I am sure that at some point in time everyone has done this..you know when you are looking from the outside in most of the time you don't see the problems you only see the happy times.

I have been thinking about this lately because when you look at my life it looks happy. Everything looks okay but that is far from the truth. To be honest with you right now my life is in shambles but you would never know it from the outside. I don't show it to many people and I open up to even fewer.

My husband has been battling an alcohol addiction for years now but honestly he has never admitted it was a problem..that is until now. When we met I was in awe at home much alcohol he could consume and it not affect him although we never had any problems because of it and he was always honest with me..I just thought he was a heavy drinker.

About three years ago is when alcohol started taking over his life and mine. It still amazes me what a hold it can have on someone...to this day I do not understand it. I am told that unless you have an addiction to it you will never understand. I have been through every emotion possible in the last three years. The majority of them are frustration,anger,loneliness and sadness.

I have been betrayed,lied to and I feel taken complete advantage of. Most of the time when he would have what I called "episodes" he would just not come home from work. Do you have any idea what it is like to live day to day and now know if your husband was going to come home from work or not...and I don't mean if something happened because we all know that we really never know what will happen and when but I mean by choice. On numerous occasions he decided to go to a bar instead of coming home. He wouldn't call or let me know what was going on...he just wouldn't show up at home. I would call and call and he wouldn't answer his phone until after he was completely drunk and decided to call me late at night. Then I would have to deal with trying to talk him into coming home and not giving up and how we would work it out and that the kids were waiting on him and whatever else I could think of to say in order to get him home safely.

The latest episode happened a week ago today. He says he's done..he says that he can't do it anymore and that it is over. He's been attending AA each day since it happened last and for the first time since I've known him he seems serious about it but honestly I am absolutely completely terrified. This is it for us...I can go no further. I have stretched as far as I can and I have cried more tears than I ever thought possible. I have had to sit in these four walls and care for four children while he was God knows where doing God knows what at all hours of the day and night and I've had to be strong for them..I've had to lie to them..I've had to take care of them when honestly I couldn't take care of myself. I really don't even know how to take care of myself anymore. I take care of everyone else and I have to the point where there is no me left.

This has completely consumed my life and how I pray each and every night and day that it works this time. I pray that he's serious and that he remains committed to staying sober and making himself healthy. I have never wanted anything more in my life because without that I can't have what I feel I need more than anything in this world. I cannot imagine my life without him but I can't imagine living this way for the rest of my life either.

Part of me is so incredibly angry for what he's done and what he's put me through. I am so mad at what he's done to me. I am in pieces inside and really I don't think I will ever be the same. I don't trust at all. What a horrible world it is to live in when you can't trust.

I have needed an outlet for so long and have had so many things swirling in my head that I haven't known what to do with. I feel relieved right now and alittle calmer. Whoo...I am sure for family you know bits and pieces of this and if you didn't well then it is going to come out sooner or later. Otherwise I just have to get it out. I need prayers...prayers for me and prayers for David. Prayers that he will be able to overcome this addiction and our family will be able to make it through and for me well I just pray that I can find my way back and figure out who I am again.

I will be starting school again in the near future at night and online. I feel like I have to and to be honest I want to also. I need something..anything!