Friday, December 12, 2008

Confession

Ever look at someones life and think that it is so much better than yours? I do it all the time..I look at others lives and think they have it perfect. I am sure that at some point in time everyone has done this..you know when you are looking from the outside in most of the time you don't see the problems you only see the happy times.

I have been thinking about this lately because when you look at my life it looks happy. Everything looks okay but that is far from the truth. To be honest with you right now my life is in shambles but you would never know it from the outside. I don't show it to many people and I open up to even fewer.

My husband has been battling an alcohol addiction for years now but honestly he has never admitted it was a problem..that is until now. When we met I was in awe at home much alcohol he could consume and it not affect him although we never had any problems because of it and he was always honest with me..I just thought he was a heavy drinker.

About three years ago is when alcohol started taking over his life and mine. It still amazes me what a hold it can have on someone...to this day I do not understand it. I am told that unless you have an addiction to it you will never understand. I have been through every emotion possible in the last three years. The majority of them are frustration,anger,loneliness and sadness.

I have been betrayed,lied to and I feel taken complete advantage of. Most of the time when he would have what I called "episodes" he would just not come home from work. Do you have any idea what it is like to live day to day and now know if your husband was going to come home from work or not...and I don't mean if something happened because we all know that we really never know what will happen and when but I mean by choice. On numerous occasions he decided to go to a bar instead of coming home. He wouldn't call or let me know what was going on...he just wouldn't show up at home. I would call and call and he wouldn't answer his phone until after he was completely drunk and decided to call me late at night. Then I would have to deal with trying to talk him into coming home and not giving up and how we would work it out and that the kids were waiting on him and whatever else I could think of to say in order to get him home safely.

The latest episode happened a week ago today. He says he's done..he says that he can't do it anymore and that it is over. He's been attending AA each day since it happened last and for the first time since I've known him he seems serious about it but honestly I am absolutely completely terrified. This is it for us...I can go no further. I have stretched as far as I can and I have cried more tears than I ever thought possible. I have had to sit in these four walls and care for four children while he was God knows where doing God knows what at all hours of the day and night and I've had to be strong for them..I've had to lie to them..I've had to take care of them when honestly I couldn't take care of myself. I really don't even know how to take care of myself anymore. I take care of everyone else and I have to the point where there is no me left.

This has completely consumed my life and how I pray each and every night and day that it works this time. I pray that he's serious and that he remains committed to staying sober and making himself healthy. I have never wanted anything more in my life because without that I can't have what I feel I need more than anything in this world. I cannot imagine my life without him but I can't imagine living this way for the rest of my life either.

Part of me is so incredibly angry for what he's done and what he's put me through. I am so mad at what he's done to me. I am in pieces inside and really I don't think I will ever be the same. I don't trust at all. What a horrible world it is to live in when you can't trust.

I have needed an outlet for so long and have had so many things swirling in my head that I haven't known what to do with. I feel relieved right now and alittle calmer. Whoo...I am sure for family you know bits and pieces of this and if you didn't well then it is going to come out sooner or later. Otherwise I just have to get it out. I need prayers...prayers for me and prayers for David. Prayers that he will be able to overcome this addiction and our family will be able to make it through and for me well I just pray that I can find my way back and figure out who I am again.

I will be starting school again in the near future at night and online. I feel like I have to and to be honest I want to also. I need something..anything!

18 comments:

Everyday Mom Designs said...

Wow, I had no idea.. I know I haven't known you long, but I promise you that I am here for you. I can't imagine all that you are going through... Here I am, sleepy because my one child won't sleep.. There you are with 4 kids and all this going on..

I don't pray, but I will be thinking about you and wishing the best for you and your family. I send my huggs to you. :) I look up to you so much.

And yes, we all look at others and think they have it easier or better or so on. We can't help it. That's life.. but honestly, there's always something going on that most people don't know about.

Lori said...

prayers for your whole family. I hope you find the strength to deal with this and find what you need to move on with life. Have you looked into Alanon for yourself?

He And Me + 3 said...

Stephanie,

I will be praying for you and your husband everyday. If any thing can change the situation it is prayer. God is faithful & has our best interests at heart. He knows the desires of your heart too & will take care of you. Remain strong & know that myself & other bloggers will be praying for you.
XO,
Mimi

Alicia said...

Stephanie...the first thing I want to say is that it takes alot of courage to come out and and be so honest. I think as humans we can have the tendency to look at someone else's life and think they have it "all together." But, we know that is never the case. We all have our own personal struggles. Praise the Lord that your husband is seeking help!! I will be praying for him to to stay committed to it! I don't know if he's saved or not, but I'll be praying that he surrenders himself to the Lord. AA has 12 steps, but to the Lord, it's just 1!! Hugs to you, Steph!!!

Julie said...

Wow...I had no idea. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm glad you wrote about it. You don't need to keep it inside. You and your family will be in my prayers.

momstheword said...

Stephanie, I am giving you a big hug right now. Thank you for being so open and honest. You need to be able to have someone to talk to, and to get it out.

I will be praying for David. Going to A.A. every day is a good thing. That will give him accountability.

I am glad he is going at such a young age. My brother's friend waited until he was in in his early 40s to give up alcohol. Unfortunately it was to late for his liver and he passed away. So it's good that your hubby is seeking help now.

You may not be able to feel like you can trust your husband right now, but you can trust God FOR your husband. Just pour out your heart to Him, He will listen.

My comments are not published until I read them. So if you want to exchange emails just pop on there and let me know yours and I'll give you mine, if you want. That's only if you just feel you need to blow off steam sometime.

I will be praying for you all and I love you, my friend.

Corrine said...

stephanie, I am so sorry. What a hard thing to have to go through and yes I think we all look at others and think life is greener on the other side. I do that all too often.

I wish I could be there to help, take the kids for a little bit so you could get a break. The next little while sure isn't going to be easy. I will keep you in my prayers and David as well.

Both my grandfather's were alcholics, its a long road. I am glad David has you. I hope you have some you can lean on as well.

Good for you for going back to school it is good to do something for yourself.
Hugs! Corrine

Stacy C. said...

OH my goodness Stephanie!It took alot for you to write that post. I will pray for you and David and the kids. I'm so sorry that you have been going through this. It's hard when you have to pretend that everything is ok. I am always here if you need me.

steffenboysmom said...

I have never dealt with this, but my sissy has. I saw first hand her husband change into someone he was not. The alcohol changed him, terribly!

I will say a special prayer for you and your hubby! Admitting it is the hardest and most important step!

Btw, my sissy left her hubby. Heavy price for heavy drinking!

Windy said...

I will be praying for you and your children. My Dad is an alcholic and even though he has always worked and provided for his family, that "demon" still stands between us all. I know that you don't really know me (in real life) but if you ever need a friend that completely understands and has lived it or if you just want to cry and vent and need someone to listen - you've got me:)

Sugar Mommy said...

Stephanie I am giving you a great hug hug! I am so sorry that you are battling such a huge struggle. I am praying for you and your husband and your family. It takes such a strong woman to talk/write about this. May you take much comfort in knowing that you have bloggy friends to stand by your side...through anything. Know that even though we only know each other through our blogs...I will be here if you need me.
May God take you in his arms and he will see you through this.
My thoughts, prayers, support and friendship!
Kimberly

All these B's and Me! said...

Stephanie -

You are such a strong woman for putting your business out there. I can't imagine what your going throuh and especially to have four children.

I will pray for your family and your strength each and everyday to make it through this difficult time in your life.

Nobody's life is anywhere near perfect and we all have our issues.

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Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Stephanie,

I am catching up on some blogging comments and I had to make a note on this post. Just wanted to let you know that your right. No one is perfect! We all have our issues. Also wanted to let you know that I will be praying for your husband and your family. We know that God is good and the rest we have to leave up to him sometimes! Congrats on starting school maybe this will be the thing that helps you bounce back!!! =)

Tami said...

Prayers for you and your family. My sister in law went through the same thing recently. She is now divorced (but don't let that discourage you because there were more issues) You should try Alanon (sp?) or some other type counseling. There is a great counselor by the name of DAvid Cox in Spartenburg. Believe me he is worth the drive. It would be great for you (and for hubby if he is willing.) You should check him out. He's on the web. Let me know if you want any info on this guy. My friend and her husband have been going to him for a few months and I can see a visible difference in their marriage. Hang in there!

McCrakensx4 said...

How hard for you to share and as you said, the first step is admitting to it. I am glad that you felt safe enough with your bloggy sisters to share your story. I will say a pray for you and David as well as for the kids. Try and get help yourself from Allinon (not sure if I spelled that right), but it may help you more that you think, especially with some much needed support. It's not your fault and you are a strong women for holding your family together. Keep us updated and I will continue to pray.
((hugs)) to you~ Stacey

Tiffany said...

I am so so sorry. I can understand a bit what you are going through. My sister came to my home to sober up and start recovery and detox 3 times before she passed away three months ago. My parents, her boyfriend, daughter and I worried about her and hoped that she could overcome her addiction. She did not. She passed out after drinking to much one weekend and suffocated in her sleep. She was 28 and left behind her 8 year old. It was devastating for us. We miss her and know that Alcohol was the cause. I hope your life gets easier, and that he will be able to overcome for him, you and your lovely family.

Rhiana said...

At some point in our marriages we all must go through something life-altering/traumatic. It is my sincere belief that these experiences have the potential to bring us closer to our spouse. I know that I will be praying for that for you & David.