Monday, January 4, 2010


Wow! The internet has been up for an entire day-for the first time in multiple days that is. I am in complete shock! There is no telling how long it will last though-the cable people are scheduled to come out Thursday so up until then it's pretty much hit and miss.

I feel like I've been wrung out today. It is bitter cold here-well bitter cold for the south that is. The high is only in the mid thirties and it's in the teens overnight. People in the south live in the south so we don't have to deal with the bitter cold :) so we're all complaining.

I've been doing laundry all day long nonstop to catch up. I found that by doing little things throughout the day that I usually do at night makes things much easier since I don't have to worry about it now. Lucas had his first basketball game tonight so that made the day even more complicated than a normal day. I think complicated is how my days go lately though. David had to work late and since he worked late that puts him at a late meeting tonight so I had homework/dinner/basketball/baths/bedtime with four kids by myself. Makes for an interesting day.

I've had several people email me and ask how I'm doing and how David is doing so I thought I'd update tonight alittle. First off I can't tell all of you what your support has meant to me. When I started blogging I had absolutely no idea the bond and support network that I would find out here. I have found true friends that I know will be there for me and I could never tell you all how much you mean to me.

David is doing well. He passed 30 days on Sunday(yesterday). He has started a new job and is enjoying it. He's back where he was before his previous job and I believe he's happy to be back with some of the same people he worked with before. He is still going to his daily meetings and doing his reading and seems very positive about the future.

I am proud that he didn't let the relapse get and keep him down. I know that he could have easily just given up and I have to say that knowing that he's trying means something. On the other hand 30 days seems so small considering where we came from. It just doesn't seem like much at this point to me. My days are still long and I have more bad days than good days. It is a constant struggle. My nerves are completely shot and I have multiple panic attacks a day even when on my meds. I am still extremely angry and upset though I try to push those feelings to the back and not deal with them right now. If I'm busy it's easier to deal because I don't think. I am going to find an al anon group to go to but right now it's about finding one that will fit in my schedule. I am also looking for a counselor though I haven't found one yet. I don't know what the future holds-I know that I want to be with my family. I want for things to be good again and I want to trust. Honestly right now I can't imagine the day when I can fully trust him again though. I think 20 years down the road if I call him and he doesn't answer the first time I call I will doubt. I don't know if I want to live like that-I don't know if I can live like that. It's hard and it's difficult to explain the feelings.

So that's where we are now-I'm looking for peace in the midst of all the chaos. Right now I'm thankful for my family and for those that are here for me and supportive. I know I could be alone with noone so I am trying to remember that I'm blessed!




Erin said...

Thinking about you as always. I don't know what you are going through but I want to support you as much as I can. Be strong and make sure you are sharing and showing your feelings and emotions as its not good to hold those inside.

How did the basketball game go?!

Erin said...

Thinking about you as always. I don't know what you are going through but I want to support you as much as I can. Be strong and make sure you are sharing and showing your feelings and emotions as its not good to hold those inside.

How did the basketball game go?!

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I'm glad he's on day 30.. but i can only imagine how you feel about it... i'm glad we are here to support you through such a rough time.. i wish i could do something for you... please keep your head up.. in the end, you have to worry about yourself and your kids.. do what's best for you guys.

He & Me + 3 said...

I don't know what you are going through at all...but I do know that how you explained it is totally understandable.
I pray for you do not have it easy my friend.

Vicky said...

It can't be an easy road you are traveling down these days! Bless your heart for all you have been through and all that you will continue to have to go through. Yes, I think too, you will need someone to talk to that is there just for you! I so admire your grace in all of this... I know you are gritting your teeth and questioning it all, but I still really admire how you are coping! Hugs to you!! Know I am thinking of both of you!

Outnumbered by 3 Stooges!! said...

BLess you, your family is beautiful! I will be praying for you and yoru family!

misguided mommy said...

30 days is amazing. he is doing so good, and you are doing amazing at handling the whole thing. also your blog layout is way way way too cute.

Alicia said...

That's great to hear about your husband, Stephanie!!!! Sounds like 2010 is off to a good start!

Becca said...

Girl first of all I feel you on the miserable cold! It's driving me crazy.

And please know you're in my thoughts and prayers - I'm lifting you up my friend!

Sharon said...

30 days is great. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the first 30 the hardest? Or maybe I just heard that in a movie.

I hope you can find what you are looking for in a counselor and al anon. Let me know if you'd like me to ask my brother for some suggestions!

Sorry about the panic attacks, though it's completely understandable. I'll be praying for you.

Enjoy all the good moments.

E @ Scottsville said...

I'm so glad for the update. I've wondered about you many times...

I'm so glad you feel the blogland is a support group, too. I sure do! Isn't that just the weirdest thing? Strangers that would have NEVER met become true friends and prayer warriors online just by reading about each other. Amazing!

{{Hugs}} to you my friend!

Kelli @ RTSM said...

Thanks for sharing so much with us! I know you have had a difficult 30 days...but hopefully it will keep getting easier! It has been so cold here too...our temps are about the same as yours...and we are not used to it being so cold!

Everyday Mom Designs said...

Honestly, to keep her out of my stuff, we just tell her it's a no-no.. She listens very well and knows exactly what we are saying to her.. Yes, sometimes she still opens a few drawers, but I just tell her no-no and she closes it.. Consistency has been our friend. :)

Just Jiff said...

Glad to hear things are trying to look back up. Sometimes not dealing with your feelings immediately is a good thing. I've had something happen recently so my trust and first thoughts are not always good either.