Is It or Isn't It?

So they're calling for winter weather here starting tomorrow night and leading into Saturday. It's the TOP story everywhere. Morning news/noon news/evening news-it's the first thing they talk about. People here go crazy when they call for any sort of winter weather and when/if we do get it they don't react well in the south. The world stops!!!! Last year when we got about 4 inches of snow the news was on all day long showing it everywere. Seriously we don't get winter weather hardly ever-I take that back-we get ice and the threat of weather but seldom does the actual snow materialize. The kids are anxious and I'm not so happy about it. Don't get me wrong I love the snow and would love nothing more to sit and watch it fall until it is knee deep and everything looks so pure and peaceful outside. But not this weekend-of all weekends for it to happen-David has been on call since Tuesday and although the week hasn't been bad so far well it is clear the weekend is going to be a totally different story. I dread if something happens having to get four kids in and out of the ice/snow and doing all the laundry that will accompany them. I just want to sit back and enjoy the weather not sit and panic about my husband out on the icy and wet roads. Ugh!!! In a way I hope we get it because I know the kids want it and I'll admit there's nothing like pictures in the snow but then again I dread it-I'd like for it to be 60 outside and just send them out the door to play the day away.

For tonight I've got to head to the store and not for bread and milk because in SC it will all be gone already :) CRAZY PEOPLE but for coffee and orange juice. Because if Caleb and Allie have no orange juice well we're screwed over the weekend and I don't want to run out in the ice and rain just for oj-I have enough excitement in my life for now.

Wordless Wednesday

NEVER

I will never EVER ever go to the dentist again! And I don't even mean for myself but I won't ever take anyone to the dentist again. I'm done-I've served my time and it's over.

I had to take Lucas to the dentist this morning to have a crown put on one of his molars. It is still a baby tooth but had a huge cavity in it that they couldn't fill and didn't want to pull it. So I made the appointed and we were there bright and early at 8:00 this morning. I had the two babies with me and had dropped Jacob off at school beforehand. When we got there they went ahead and put the laughing gas on and did the jelly around his gum to numb it. Then the doctor came in to give the shot to further numb all around the tooth. At first that was fine until he got to the inside of the gum towards his tongue and it was obvious that it wasn't completely numb there yet. It killed me to watch him in pain with a shot in his mouth while I couldn't do anything about it but little did I know that the worst was not even there yet.

The doctor came back in after a few minutes and started drilling. He drilled for about 3-4 minutes during which I was up and down with Allie and Caleb while trying to hold Lucas' hand throughout everything. All the sudden while the hygenist and doctor were in his mouth working with the drill Lucas threw everyone off of him and shot straight up out of the chair. He started gagging and stood up with blood dripping out of his mouth. My heart stopped(don't forget I've got two babies by my side)-my nerves went and the panic attacks set in. I about flipped!!! He was horrified obviously! We got him back down while the dentist told him that he couldn't do that and explained why but honestly I think he was so scared he could hardly speak. I really think he left the room and changed his underwear(they had to be soiled after that experience). He said not another word while he worked that he didn't have to. He finished, got up and left. I don't think he'll ever forget today :)

When I think about it my insides still shake-my heart has yet to start beating in a normal rhythm and I've felt like putty all day. I tell you my dentist days are over!!!!

Confused

I feel totally out of it. I feel fake and tired and sick. I am the master at covering things up-making them appear to be everything they are not while I am falling apart inside. I'm there now. I can function on a daily basis which is much further along than I was a little over a year ago. At that point I was paralyzed with fear. In a way I am still there-paralyzed with fear yet I can go through the motions. It's all so confusing and complicated. People tell me to take things one day at a time and it's so easy to say yet so hard to do.

We take pictures and when people view them they say how happy we look. It really makes me think-isn't it amazing how we can put on a pretty face when the inside picture is totally the opposite? We always look at others and think they have it so much better than we do yet many many people are probably doing the exact same thing that I do on a daily basis.

I don't think anyone will ever know what the past 3 years of my life has been like. More days than not I don't think anyone cares, especially the one person that I would like to care more than anything. My husband says he's sorry and he is trying to make it better. Is he-yes-I will give him that. He is trying! But is it enough? Will it ever be enough? I don't know. I am broken inside and don't feel like he will ever truly understand what he has done to me. How could someone that is supposed to love you more than anyone else and is supposed to care for you and protect you from hurt be the one that hurts you the most? I wonder when the day will come that he will make his amends with me and why hasn't that day come already? Why do I come last? Why am I here taking care of him and his children and everything that has been done in the past is ignored as though we're just moving on. Yet I'm not moving on-I'm stuck back at day one when it first happened. The first time that his phone went unanswered and he didn't come home. I'm there on that very first night and it is dark,lonely and scary.

I'm trying though. I'm trying to hold it together and to take care of my kids and do what is best for them. I feel like most days I fail though. I feel like my nerves are gone and the panic is back. I jump at them-I yell more than I should. My patience is gone. I need to be a better mother-after all more than anything and most importantly that is what they deserve no matter what is going on in my life.

I'm Back

I tell ya I was beginning to feel like I would never recover. Seems like the last couple of months I can't seem to catch up for anything in the world.

It all started about 2 weeks ago with David catching a simple cold. He was over it in 2 days but that was only the beginning. Then Caleb and Allie got it and it was anything but a cold. They ended up with a cold/virus at the same time and we were either wiping noses or cleaning up vomit. What an insane 5 days!!!! Allie came about as close to dehydration as one of my kids has ever come. She got down to 2 wet diapers for 2 straight days.

While they were in the middle of I got it and then came Jacob. I didn't think we would ever get over it. Lucas came down with it at the end but luckily neither of the older boys got it as bad as the babies did. I am now in the process of washing everything in sight. I've already done 8 loads of laundry today and still have more to go. On top of that the internet went out again on Monday and was out until yesterday afternoon. I am starting to think that they have a curse on our house or something. I have felt so behind and out of the loop not being able to blog and keep up with everyone. I was shocked to log on tonight and see that all of my followers were actually still around. I'm so grateful for you all!!! Such wonderful friends and support from people that I never even expected to find has been such a blessing in my life.

I'm hoping to start catching up with everyone soon and hopfully will finally be able to blog on a regular basis again!!! Praying the internet stays stable now :) Guess I'm off to finish laundry some more tonight before the germs get a hold of someone again!

Oh My!!!

I have been MIA for a while now. I am SO incredibly behind and I feel horrible for not keeping up with everyones blogs. Almost every single person in our house has been sick during the last week. For the last 3 days the two babies have had it and they're absolutely pitiful. I've gotten it from someone-at this point there's no telling who's passing it to who. It all started with David so we'll just blame him :) On top of that there's been internet problems so half the time that's been down. I hope I've got that fixed now because I think I could just about head over to Charter and start slashing tires :(

I'll be back soon-promise!!!

Christmas Part 2

Once Allie finally woke up on Christmas morning the kids were very happy that they could start opening presents. All I heard until she woke up was begging to open just one single present.

Lucas got a new DSI from his grandmother-he was extremely happy that he had the new one on the market!

My sweet girl with her daddy.

The best thing about watching Jacob open presents is that he has absolute best expressions with every single thing he opens!

Here's Lucas getting his guitar lessons.

Caleb opening his remote control car-his expressions were pretty cool too. As soon as he opened one present he wanted it out of the box and ready to play. He wasn't happy when he couldn't take every single thing out as soon as he opened it.

Allie opening one of her presents-this one was a ride on toy for inside the house. Her brother loved it as much as she did-so much so he got his own for his birthday.

Jacob got a HUGE wrestling ring from his grandparents. He is inlove!!!!!

This was one of the best parts! Lucas and Jacob asked for a WII for Christmas from Santa. We told them everytime they mentioned it that they hadn't been good enough for something like that and it wasn't going to happen. They opened their Santa first thing that morning and when it wasn't the WII they knew it wasn't going to happen. Before Lucas opened this present we told him that there had been a mistake and that we thought Santa was going to bring him something specific but it turned out that he didn't so what we had gotten him was going to have to be returned. He looked so sad as he opened it-it was a Wii nunchuk.

Then came this present-it was to both boys so they both got to open it. It was their WII and let's just say they were more than excited!!!!!! Best expressions ever!

Here's my picture that I wrote about yesterday. It's got the kids pictures on the bottom with their handprints as the background. Then the bubbles are what the kids thought we were dreaming of for Christmas. David a blue motorcycle and me a pink jeep. I'm in love with this picture!!!!!! Everything was handmade!

Christmas Part 1

I figured I need to get around to blogging about Christmas at some point. I am going to break it up into a couple of posts though or there would be TONS of pictures on here. The one above is from Christmas Eve at my dad's house. We go over there every Christmas Eve and have spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.

Here's Caleb watching Santa. This is one of their favorite things to do on Christmas Eve. We saw him stopping in several places that I had never even heard of before. Such a busy man!

I posted this one of Jacob on Christmas Eve because for some reason I don't have one of him with his Santa present. My dad and mom got him a fighter/wrestler for his Christmas Eve present. I've fought it all I can but he's just a fighting boy. I used to be so against all that but he loves it so what's a mom to do.

This is one of my favorite gifts!!!! I'll cherish it forever! My cousin is here for a while and he is one of those awesome artistic types. He worked on this with the kids and made it for us for Christmas. I need to take a picture of the front of it tomorrow so I can show you-it's one of my prized possessions though!

Here's the tree before we went to bed on Christmas Eve. We were up until about 230.

Here's Lucas with his Santa present. He's wanted a guitar for a very long time so he finally got his wish!

My dad and mom got him lessons-those started this week.

Caleb got a workshop from Santa! He is absolutely in love with it as is everyone else in our house apparently. He wasn't very interested in any other presents after he saw this!

Allie slept until after Santa/stockings and breakfast on Christmas morning. She didn't get up until after 9. I got her on video with her Santa but for some reason there aren't any pictures of her with it at the very beginning. More to come tomorrow.....

Too Complicated

I can't count the number of toys that we've put together in this house with four kids in the last 9 years. Caleb got this for Christmas-where I got this idea I don't know but we just put it together yesterday. It took me a complete hour to put together this toy. I've put together toys 4 times this size that were simpler-I've never in my life seen anything with so many pieces and such horrible instructions. Get ready to spend some time on this one if it's in your near future. Anybody else have this toy already and have the same problem or was it just a bad day for me?

Wordless Wednesday

Updates

Wow! The internet has been up for an entire day-for the first time in multiple days that is. I am in complete shock! There is no telling how long it will last though-the cable people are scheduled to come out Thursday so up until then it's pretty much hit and miss.

I feel like I've been wrung out today. It is bitter cold here-well bitter cold for the south that is. The high is only in the mid thirties and it's in the teens overnight. People in the south live in the south so we don't have to deal with the bitter cold :) so we're all complaining.

I've been doing laundry all day long nonstop to catch up. I found that by doing little things throughout the day that I usually do at night makes things much easier since I don't have to worry about it now. Lucas had his first basketball game tonight so that made the day even more complicated than a normal day. I think complicated is how my days go lately though. David had to work late and since he worked late that puts him at a late meeting tonight so I had homework/dinner/basketball/baths/bedtime with four kids by myself. Makes for an interesting day.

I've had several people email me and ask how I'm doing and how David is doing so I thought I'd update tonight alittle. First off I can't tell all of you what your support has meant to me. When I started blogging I had absolutely no idea the bond and support network that I would find out here. I have found true friends that I know will be there for me and I could never tell you all how much you mean to me.

David is doing well. He passed 30 days on Sunday(yesterday). He has started a new job and is enjoying it. He's back where he was before his previous job and I believe he's happy to be back with some of the same people he worked with before. He is still going to his daily meetings and doing his reading and seems very positive about the future.

I am proud that he didn't let the relapse get and keep him down. I know that he could have easily just given up and I have to say that knowing that he's trying means something. On the other hand 30 days seems so small considering where we came from. It just doesn't seem like much at this point to me. My days are still long and I have more bad days than good days. It is a constant struggle. My nerves are completely shot and I have multiple panic attacks a day even when on my meds. I am still extremely angry and upset though I try to push those feelings to the back and not deal with them right now. If I'm busy it's easier to deal because I don't think. I am going to find an al anon group to go to but right now it's about finding one that will fit in my schedule. I am also looking for a counselor though I haven't found one yet. I don't know what the future holds-I know that I want to be with my family. I want for things to be good again and I want to trust. Honestly right now I can't imagine the day when I can fully trust him again though. I think 20 years down the road if I call him and he doesn't answer the first time I call I will doubt. I don't know if I want to live like that-I don't know if I can live like that. It's hard and it's difficult to explain the feelings.

So that's where we are now-I'm looking for peace in the midst of all the chaos. Right now I'm thankful for my family and for those that are here for me and supportive. I know I could be alone with noone so I am trying to remember that I'm blessed!

Ugh!

My internets been messed up all weekend. They're supposed to come out Thursday to fix it and then I get up this morning and it's working. Who knows for how long though. I have tons to do for kids schools in case it goes back down so back to that for now. If it stays up I'll post later on-then again it could be Thursday before I see you all again :)

2009 in Pictures-Part 2

July

August

September

October

November

December