Yesterday as the first day of school for Lucas and Jacob - it was a horrible day or at least it started out that way. They were both excited to go to school - Lucas walked to his classroom by himself and was fine. I walked in with Jacob and got all of his stuff put away and ready and as I was getting ready to leave I could tell he was getting nervous. He tried to cover it up but I could still see through. I asked him if he was okay as I left and he said yes but as he spoke I could hear him choking up and it tore into my soul. My heart broke and I wanted to pack his things up and take him back home with me. Instead I picked my heart up off the floor and stumbled out the door.
Then when I got home everything was blah - nothing seemed to go right and all I could think about was the fact that time flies by all too quickly. I was holding together somewhat until I talked to David on the phone and then I lost it. I started worrying about everything and stressing over Caleb and Allie. You see I have enrolled them both in a two day a week program for 3 hours in the morning at a local church preschool in town. One of the biggest reasons I have done it is for the socialization that I feel they both need and also so I can be at the school and not have to call on my mom to come watch them all the time. Caleb is ready - he's excited to go and everytime we drive past he tells everyone in the car that is his school! Allie on the other hand - it gives me panic attacks to think about her. I am going back and forth about her - I'm not sure she's ready. She's such a baby - I know she's 2 but still - I am home and it's my job to care for her. Maybe I should wait another year on her. I don't know what to do - I am not sure I can handle leaving her somewhere crying like that though - I'm not sure I have that in me.
So all that came out yesterday along with the fact of the older boys heading to school and it made for a splendid day!
I was so happy to see the bus pull up yesterday afternoon - which with all the hassle has ended them back in the car line again starting today - I could have cried when I laid eyes on them. The younger ones were so happy to see them too - they missed them so much while they were at school. With all my worry Jacob got off the bus and said 1st grade was the coolest ever! I asked him why he thought so and he said " We get to keep our water bottles on our desks ALL day long and we get to drink them WHENEVER we want to!!!" It just doesn't get any cooler than that!