We finally were able to sit down and talk..that was aggravating enough to me in itself. The tension in our house has been off the wall for the last few days. He can be right beside me and yet I feel like we're miles apart. His sponsor apparently told him that he needed to clear his head before he sat down to talk to me and he didn't need to get into an argument right now. As a result I felt like he didn't care and it only made me angrier than I already was.
The hardest part of it all is that I know that I will never feel safe and secure again. It's been that way for a while but it's just now hitting me again full force. This fight will never be over and I am horrified that something is going to happen. I question whether the decision I have made to stay is the right one. Am I doing what is right for my kids...because that's where I'm at right now. I love my husband with all of my heart and would obviously do anything in the world for him but right now I feel like I need to do what's best for my kids. Thankfully they're young enough that they don't know what's going on right now. They know that things have been tense and my nerves have been shot for the last week but they don't know the details of everything. I have spared them of that...it's another hot spot for me also. I cover up for him and he looks like this great dad and man again while I know the truth of everything that has happened. Ugh! Right now I am so scared though..I worry about what he's doing and the effect is it could have on the kids one day if he relapses again. If something happens to him what I'll have to tell them. Having Allie grow up without her Daddy is one of my biggest fears right now...I know that boys need their dad but having a little girl whose Daddy rules her world and have so much hanging in the balance right now is so scary. I can't walk away right now..I just don't have it in me. I can't take his kids away..I just can't do it. It would kill them and him at the same time. I just pray that everything works out this time...I pray it works! It just has to!
I am sad..I'm angry...I'm lonely....I'm cold...I'm just miserable.
There are moments when I look at him and see the man that I married...there are moments we laugh and then it hits me..the reality of what is going on and then I fall down again.
The one person in this world that I should be able to depend on to keep me safe and secure and to never hurt me has broken me down. I want my normal boring life back and the worst part of it is that I know it is never going to happen. I will never go another day and not think about alcohol. I hate alcohol! It makes me cringe when I see people drink...it has destroyed my life and yet I know that people think I'm crazy when I say that but it's how I feel. I'll will never hear another can pop open and not have a flashback to a beer can being opened. I'll never call my husband and have him not answer the phone without wondering if he's in a bar or sitting somewhere drinking by himself. I'll never not wonder and that's a scary thought. The only thing he can tell me is that he's sorry but he can't make it better. He can't fix me and it makes me mad. He did this! How can someone break someone down so much and then do nothing more than utter the words I'm sorry but I love you more than I could ever say? Why couldn't he love me enough to not pick up a drink?
He says he knows what he has to lose and he's trying. I know he is..he's back in AA on a daily basis and feels like he knows what he did wrong last time. He stopped going to regular meetings..there were weeks he would only make it to one when he should have made it to many more.
On the other hand I know I need help. I have to have help because I'm falling apart. Things are still going here though...he seems to be doing better and has a clearer mind today. I wish I could say the same for me.