Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Here We Are

I can't describe the last few days. My feelings have been all over the map...one minute I'm up and the next I'm the lowest I've ever been. It's exhausting to be honest.

We finally were able to sit down and talk..that was aggravating enough to me in itself. The tension in our house has been off the wall for the last few days. He can be right beside me and yet I feel like we're miles apart. His sponsor apparently told him that he needed to clear his head before he sat down to talk to me and he didn't need to get into an argument right now. As a result I felt like he didn't care and it only made me angrier than I already was.

The hardest part of it all is that I know that I will never feel safe and secure again. It's been that way for a while but it's just now hitting me again full force. This fight will never be over and I am horrified that something is going to happen. I question whether the decision I have made to stay is the right one. Am I doing what is right for my kids...because that's where I'm at right now. I love my husband with all of my heart and would obviously do anything in the world for him but right now I feel like I need to do what's best for my kids. Thankfully they're young enough that they don't know what's going on right now. They know that things have been tense and my nerves have been shot for the last week but they don't know the details of everything. I have spared them of that...it's another hot spot for me also. I cover up for him and he looks like this great dad and man again while I know the truth of everything that has happened. Ugh! Right now I am so scared though..I worry about what he's doing and the effect is it could have on the kids one day if he relapses again. If something happens to him what I'll have to tell them. Having Allie grow up without her Daddy is one of my biggest fears right now...I know that boys need their dad but having a little girl whose Daddy rules her world and have so much hanging in the balance right now is so scary.  I can't walk away right now..I just don't have it in me. I can't take his kids away..I just can't do it. It would kill them and him at the same time. I just pray that everything works out this time...I pray it works! It just has to!

I am sad..I'm angry...I'm lonely....I'm cold...I'm just miserable.

There are moments when I look at him and see the man that I married...there are moments we laugh and then it hits me..the reality of what is going on and then I fall down again.

The one person in this world that I should be able to depend on to keep me safe and secure and to never hurt me has broken me down. I want my normal boring life back and the worst part of it is that I know it is never going to happen. I will never go another day and not think about alcohol. I hate alcohol! It makes me cringe when I see people drink...it has destroyed my life and yet I know that people think I'm crazy when I say that but it's how I feel. I'll will never hear another can pop open and not have a flashback to a beer can being opened. I'll never call my husband and have him not answer the phone without wondering if he's in a bar or sitting somewhere drinking by himself. I'll never not wonder and that's a scary thought. The only thing he can tell me is that he's sorry but he can't make it better. He can't fix me and it makes me mad. He did this! How can someone break someone down so much and then do nothing more than utter the words I'm sorry but I love you more than I could ever say? Why couldn't he love me enough to not pick up a drink?

He says he knows what he has to lose and he's trying. I know he is..he's back in AA on a daily basis and feels like he knows what he did wrong last time. He stopped going to regular meetings..there were weeks he would only make it to one when he should have made it to many more.

On the other hand I know I need help. I have to have help because I'm falling apart. Things are still going here though...he seems to be doing better and has a clearer mind today. I wish I could say the same for me.
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19 comments:

Courtney said...

I commend you for the decisions you are making right now. Stay strong, your kids need you.

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Steph...I can't even begin to understand your pain and your fear. But I know someone who does. Praying for you.
Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

I posted this on my blog the other day...I have been pondering these precious words & promises from God. He is with us no matter what.

Windy said...

you need to go to a meeting for family members - still praying for you!

Sneaky Momma said...

My heart goes out to you, Stephanie. I hope that you find a way (and the time) to take care of yourself, too. You have been faced with such a heavy burden. I pray that the Lord will just drop some relief on your doorstep.

Alicia said...

Oh Stephanie...I'll be praying, my friend...

Laura said...

It's such a horrible disease that even the people living with it don't understand about it, ugh it's so so hard. I'm so sorry you hurt so bad! More than anything I know the fear. My Dad was put into 72 hour psych lock down after a scare this weekend and now every time my phone rings my stomach sinks. I think you're doing the right thing, he really needs your help and support but he has to want to help himself too! He needs to know how much everyone loves him but he needs to know how you feel too. Have you ever attended Al-anon? Maybe you could look into it and see if there is a woman's group around you...if you don't already. I am looking for one around here, I have heard great things about them, great support group of family members of users. If you ever need to talk, vent, yell, cry, type all the horrible things you want to say just email me!
laura.bignell@yahoo.com
prayers and hugs,
Laura

♥Kim said...

Stephanie I'm so sorry! I hope things will get better for you guys & family! It must be hard to go through something like this. You guys are in our prayers!!!! Hang in there, I wish I lived right beside you so we could talk in person!!! Hugs!!!

Kelly said...

I wish I could just walk right over and give you a hug. Put things in God's hands and just keep praying. I am sure this has to be really hard for you...and your family. You are in my prayers!!

amanda said...

stephanie, "The one person in this world that I should be able to depend on to keep me safe and secure and to never hurt me has broken me down." as true as you want this to be you have to realize that he will continue to let you down, it may not be with this but it will be something. the only person right now, and always, who will not let you down is jesus christ. place all of your trust in him. and it may not get 'easier' but it will get better right away. praying for you my friend!!

Chell said...

Just wanted to post a little note to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for your family. It is rough! I know it is... I know you never truely know if you are making the right decision.

As a child, I watched my mother go through what you are dealing with. I was the child of an alcoholic father, one that often hit my mother and brothers(he never touched me). I was a daddy's girl... I was also 7 when I my father passed away in an accident, an accident that happened due to alcohol. Dec 26 will mark 30 years. Please, Please find someone to talk to and help you through this... it is not only him that needs help, you need to find help also on how to get through this situation...

Be strong and most importantly, stay safe.

Stacy said...

I'm not going to pretend I know what you are going through because I do not! But I do want you to know I have been praying for you,David and the kids!

Just Jiff said...

You should think about going to Al-anon meetings. They are for people whose lives are affected by an alcoholic. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

And you are doing the right thing by keeping your kids oblivious to the details. You're an awesome mom and keeping them in the forefront of your mind when making decisions is the absolute best thing to do. You ROCK.

It's so hard to keep a smile on your face when you know the ugly truth, but you are sparing those kids a lot of heartache and problems.

Please, please, please get help for yourself. Mommy needs to be taken care of and to be happy too. I love you and you have my number.

Stephanie said...

Oh Stephanie...my heart is breaking for you. I don't know what to say other than I'm praying for you. I wish there was more I could do or say to make things better...but thankfully we serve a God who does know exactly what you need. Rest in HIS security, my dear friend...

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, but I'm sorry.. I wish I could take some of your pain away.. There is no reason why you should have to go through this. Being a mom is tough.. Being a mom to as many children as you have, is even harder... but to go through this too? I'm just so sorry you have to.

Erin said...

I have been thinking about you a lot. Stay strong and know you have an amazing sport group through this blog. I am here for you if and when you need it. I look up to you for your decision to stay. You may never feel like it is the 100% right choice but I feel like for your kids at there age with them not knowing you are making a good choice! Don't forget to think about your self though Steph. You need to make sure your happy with the choice you are making!

Thinking about you!

Tami said...

Praying for you. My sister in law has been through this with two husbands. She didn't stay and it has affected her kids. I think you are making a good decision. You need to go to the Al-Anon meetings for family members. You would have people there who know what you are going through and support you. I'm sorry you have to do this again.

E @ Scottsville said...

Oh Stephanie. I love Mimi's verse that she quoted from Isaiah. Hold onto that!!!

Again... I'm here if you ever need to vent.

misguidedmommy said...

tell me more? what happened? where how? what was it like before, what caused him to stop? god how utterly aggravating.

sorry for asking questions, i was just curious as to how my husband felt when i started drinking again after 3 years

MarvelousMOM said...

Oh Steph, I am so sorry for this, for how you feel. Reading your words really struck home because I have heard them from my mom as well. She stayed with my dad because of my sister and I. I think it would do you a lot of good to talk to someone. You are such a good mom! I'm here if you need anything.