Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Back At One

After 360 days of being sober my husband relapsed yesterday. I'm not sure what to think..my mind is jumbled and filled with hundreds of thoughts right now. I expected to be much more upset than I currently am...I don't think it has sunk in yet. I am upset but right now it hasn't hit me. Things have been really stressful with his work situation....extremely stressful. Things are very slow and to top it off the "big" people haven't handled things very well in the process....very vague and lots of empty promises. I was pissed when I found out...I threw stuff and blew up. He blew up and it got ugly but I quickly realized how upset and disappointed he was in and with himself. I had to put my anger aside because he was falling apart....I didn't have a choice. Maybe that's why it hasn't sunk in yet...I had to push the feelings aside last night and they just haven't risen up again yet. I said I would leave if it happened again yet I'm still here. I don't know why but I feel like this is where I need to be right now. It's not easy yet it's not as emotional as I thought it would be again. I think I'm separated in a way...I feel like I've cut myself off from it to a degree. Mostly right now I just feel bad for him...horrible! I literally felt his pain as I held him in my arms last night and he collapsed in sobs. It was at that point that I couldn't put forth anger and hurtful words...all I could muster was sympathy and love.

So here we are starting over again from day one. He has spent the last few hours doing nothing but apologizing and begging me not to leave. We could use your prayers right now if you have time. He could use your prayers most of all.

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27 comments:

Veronica said...

Gosh, Stephanie, I'm so sorry about what happened. I will pray for you and David both. Despite what you said in the past about leaving, just try to focus on the now and be there as best as you can. The Lord knows your situation and your heart and I know He will give you the strength you need to get through this.

Sending hugs and prayers,
V

Laura said...

Oh Stephanie, I am so so so sorry!! Please know you are in my thoughts and I am praying for you and your family. My dad is going through this same thing right now, he just relapsed after *years* and then his wife left him last weekend. I spent last night driving around with my kids in my car because I couldn't get a hold of him. It's so hard! Hang in there, God will give you the strength you need! Praying!!

Erin said...

I am at a loss for words. I can only imagine how mad and upset and dispointed you must be but then again he is your husband, you love him, the father of your children and you want and need to be there for him. 360 days is great and amazing but your title says it all, Back At One. I hope you guys can work through this and I hope that he can get the help he needs. I am sorry you guys are going through this at this time of the year. I know things are tough, times are hard, life is stressful.. Be strong and be there for him as he needs it. You have time to figure things out and he has time to make today Day Number 2, and tomorrow Day Number 3!

Be strong Steph, I am here for you if you need anything! Will be thinking about your family throughout the day!

Lyr said...

Wow girl... Praying for you and your family. I know what it's like to live with empty promises and feel like things are never going to change, but it can. Here is to day one! Much love! xoxoxox

Queen Stephy Ru said...

Oh Stephanie.. I'm so very sorry to hear about this. My prayers will be with you and your family and your children- and your husband. Let me know if there's anything at all I can do to help- even if its just taking you out to lunch someday so you can vent...
love you and miss you!

Catherine said...

Praying hard for you and your family.

Vicky said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry! Is he in AA? Will he go to a meeting? Please encourage him to go to a meeting!! He needs to forgive himself before he asks anything of you. In a lot of ways it affects you but I have a feeling it isn't about you... and that makes you feel detached or dissociated.

I've seen people with days, months and years, relapse... it isn't how far you fall... but how quickly you get back up and continue sobriety.

Prayers, hugs and love!!

Just Jiff said...

Bless your heart. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. People are human and make mistakes, and God bless you for staying to help him through it.

Call/text/email me if you need me.

*HUGS*

Stacy said...

Oh Steph! I am praying for you,David and the kids! I have no idea what you are going through but I am thinking of you.

I can't imagine the disappointment he feels and what you are feeling.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. You know I am only a few minutes down the road:)

Cassie said...

I am so sorry. I will keep your family in my prayers. I hope things get better for you both.

Kelly said...

Stephaine, I am so sorry to hear this! Your family is in our prayers. I hope things start looking better for all of you!!

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I am so very sorry... I don't know what to say to help... I'm here if you want to talk..

Windy said...

Oh, Stephanie, I am soooo sorry! I will be praying for ya'll and the kids. Please let me know if you need anything:)

Shannon said...

I will pray Stephanie!

Courtney said...

I am praying for your family. My family has dealt with addiction and recovery, we are on our second round with my brother. It is so tough. Stay strong and follow your heart.

steffenboysmom said...

That's called Grace Steph. Love him and pray for him. But love him.

Rachel said...

Many prayers for him through this process, praying for your strength and praying for your Family during this difficult time. I have been wondering about you. You kind of went MIA but I didn't want to start stalking you. Maybe I need to start doing that ;) Growing up with a Dad who was/is/will always some way be an alcoholic, I know how hard this is. It's hard, it's very hard. They always think that one drink won't make them go back, one drink will be OK. It's never OK because that one drink leads them right back to that addiction. I commend you on staying with him, sticking by his side and being his strength through this. It's a hard road and if it comes to that time, you will know when you need to leave for you and for the kids. But, I know he has an amazing woman standing beside him and together he can get through this hurdle. That's all this is, a hurdle, a little speed bump that he must remember to never go through again. Hang in there. If you need to vent, chat or just scream, you know where I am.

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Steph...my heart is breaking for you and David right now. I am praying for your family.
Hugs,
Mimi

Stephanie said...

Oh no. I'm in tears for you right now. I think you are right though. You need to be there. Obviously I don't know the details, but from what you have said, he is deeply regretful for letting it happen. He had it in him to stay sober that long, I'm sure that he has it in him to re-start that journey, hopefully even stronger than before.

My uncle has been sober for about 20 years. I know he still attends AA meetings regularly, and my aunt went with him for a long time. It was their lifeline, and is still a big part of their life. It's a lifelong journey, that's for sure.

You all will be in my prayers.

Sharon said...

Oh Stephanie, many prayers!
I am sorry you guys are going through so much right now. :(
Can he get to a meeting? Does he have a good sponsor? I know that can sound trivial, but maybe it's helpful.
I watched one of my brothers go through all of this. he's now been sober over 20 years, but I know it's extremely difficult. AA, Alanon, and sponsors...

Praying for you all. Hang in there! I applaud you for staying there through this.

Maggie said...

Just stumbled on your blog and saw this post. I will certainly say some prayers for your family. My husband has been sober for almost 5 years and I know it is something he thinks about and works on each and every day....

Colleen said...

In tears for you. You are and will be in my DAILY prayers.

Shay said...

Praying for you guys. I know this can be really tough. I'm here for you steph, keep us updated.

Paige said...

Stephanie, I am so sorry that this has happened! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Addictions are the worst thing in the world. I (to say the least) hate them with a passion.

Praying for better days.

E @ Scottsville said...

Oh Stephanie, I'm so sorry...

I've been out of pocket all weekend and am trying to catch up on blogs today. =0(

I don't know what to say other than hang in there. I know it's scary. Sounds like he really needs you right now. I'm off to read your next blog and see if things are better/worse yet.

{{hugs, my friend}}

MarvelousMOM said...

Oh Stef, I am so sorry to hear this!!! Alcohol is so hard. My dad was an alcoholic all my life. I remember the trouble him and my mom went through and I remember my mom being in your position more than once. I don't know how, but she found the strength to stand by him and try to work it out. My dad got help at times and has been sober now for a few years. And their marriage is the best that I have seen it my whole life. Eli and I had trouble with alcohol when he and I first got together. I won't get into it here, but would email you if you would like. I know it is hard (not from your shoes, but from living it) and I pray for you, for him, and for your family. I am here if you need anything. xoxo

Alicia said...

I wanted to go back a couple of post to catch up what is going on. I am just reading this all now.

I will be praying, STeph. There is no stronghold that the Lord can't break.