Friday, December 4, 2009

Hell

What a hellish week! It feels like the days have just drug on and on and on without end. I feel exhausted emotionally and physically yet I feel like I haven't even dealt with the big stuff yet. It didn't end with the first relapse...we continued through a second night of it and things just got worse that following day. I felt like I was in a nightmare with a person that I didn't know at all. I can't begin to describe what living with someone and their  addiction is like to someone that hasn't experienced it firsthand..it's almost impossible..it's the scariest and most lonely thing I have ever seen. Things have yet to sink in..I am still going through the motions and trying to just make it through the day. I have to say thank you though..the support I've received from everyone has been beyond anything I ever imagined. I can't say thank you enough! I am so blessed to have people that care so much about me and are there for me to talk to and lean on no matter what. Right now I'm scared to get deep down...I don't want to deal with what I've dealt with before..I don't want to be back at day one. I don't want to live the last year of my life over again..I don't want to have multiple panic attacks a day..I don't want to watch my husband drive out of the driveway and not know if he's going to relapse while he's gone or if he's actually going to come home like he's supposed to without disappearing for hours at a time without notice..I don't want to be scared/sad or lonely anymore. I just want a normal boring life right now. I want it all to be over..I want to feel secure and safe and right now I couldn't be farther away.
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18 comments:

Erin said...

Thinking about you and here for you. Let me know if you need anything or just someone to talk to. I think talking about your feelings will help you process all your feelings. You don't want to keep them locked up inside.

Always thinking about you Steph!

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Steph...You are right, I don't know how you feel because I have never had to go through that. My aunt is going through it with her daughter though. It is so hard to see her that way. Huge hugs to you. Rest in you Heavenly Father's arms..they never change and are always there for you.
Praying tonight for you to get some rest and find peace.
hugs,
Mimi

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I am so sorry... I know it doesn't help, but i'm crying for you...

Stephanie said...

I'm so angry. You don't deserve this and neither do those kids.

I'm here if you need to talk.

momstheword said...

Stephanie, I'm so sorry this is happening right now. I wish I had some great words of comfort. All I can say is that you have your IRL family and friends and your blogging friends and you aren't alone, my friend.

Just try to take it step by step, one day at a time.

Paige said...

I know the hell that you are speaking of and it truly is a hell. I'm not sure what to say to make it better, and I don't think anything can besides the fact of knowing that he is safe & secure. Charli's father is an addict and while we were together it was the most horrible feeling in the world. You never feel whole because you heart is burden with their problems also. I pray that this relapse will end, very soon and he can receive that help again that he is needing. I pray most of all for your strength to old your head high during this time for you and your children. You are a wonderful Mother & you will make the right decisions, always remember that!

Paige

Sharon said...

My heart is aching for you. :(
I'm sorry. It always seems harder when things like this happen around Christmas, too.
I don't know what else to offer other than prayers, but let me know if there IS something I can do more than that.

You are incredibly strong. Don't forget that.

Veronica said...

Still thinking about you and praying that things will get better. I've never been down the path your own so I can't even pretend to understand. Just remember that although we can't do anything about certain circumstances, we know the One who can! Love ya!

Heather said...

Stephanie, please know that you & your family are in our thoughts & prayers. My heart just broke for you this morning as I got caught up on your blog. Hoping God gives you the strength & determination & to walk beside him. Love ya, girl!

amanda said...

oh stephanie. i don't know 'what' to say, because i've never gone through the things you're going through. but know that i will be praying!!

Shannon said...

I've been thinking about you today. Just wanted you to know you're in my prayers.

Vicky said...

You've been on my mind and in my heart and I am praying you are sustained by HIS presence!! Please continue to take all the support you can get and don't be afraid to find a counselor or a support meeting to attend for yourself! Hugs to you sweetie... thinking of you!

Paige said...

Just thinking about you today! Hope everything is okay!

Loves & Hugs
Paige

Just Jiff said...

It's heartbreaking to know that you are going through this. After a year of sobriety, it has to be even more painful to know what lies in store for you in the days to come. Know that all of us out here really do care about you and will do whatever we can to ease your burdens. Please call/email/text me if you need anything. Love you. *HUGS*

Laura said...

Hi Stephanie, I have been thinking about you lots this past week. I wish there was more I could do for you but know that I am praying hard over this disease. We had a really bad weekend with my Dad and I know the emotions you are going through. It's so scary and hard, you want to be able to fix it all but you know you can't. I will keep praying for you and your family!
Hugs,
Laura

Drew said...

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Sending prayers and hugs your way!

E @ Scottsville said...

Oh Gosh, Stephanie... I was hoping for much BETTER news. *sigh*

Trust me, I dealt with my husband's addiction for many, many years... 14 to be exact. His wasn't alcohol, but pornography - yet still it affected our marriage severely and now, here we are... going through a divorce. =0(

I'm here if you ever just need to chat, talk, whatever. My email is ericastoybox@yahoo.com, but I think you already have that.

If nothing else, I'm a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and have some degree of 'understanding' how lonely it is.

MarvelousMOM said...

Oh love, I am sorry! I am here. Please email me or text me if you need anything!!!! My phone got broke hunting last week, so I need your number again. Thinking of you. You are a wonderful person, a great wife and a fabulous mom. You don't forget that! xoxo