Friday, December 4, 2009
What a hellish week! It feels like the days have just drug on and on and on without end. I feel exhausted emotionally and physically yet I feel like I haven't even dealt with the big stuff yet. It didn't end with the first relapse...we continued through a second night of it and things just got worse that following day. I felt like I was in a nightmare with a person that I didn't know at all. I can't begin to describe what living with someone and their addiction is like to someone that hasn't experienced it firsthand..it's almost impossible..it's the scariest and most lonely thing I have ever seen. Things have yet to sink in..I am still going through the motions and trying to just make it through the day. I have to say thank you though..the support I've received from everyone has been beyond anything I ever imagined. I can't say thank you enough! I am so blessed to have people that care so much about me and are there for me to talk to and lean on no matter what. Right now I'm scared to get deep down...I don't want to deal with what I've dealt with before..I don't want to be back at day one. I don't want to live the last year of my life over again..I don't want to have multiple panic attacks a day..I don't want to watch my husband drive out of the driveway and not know if he's going to relapse while he's gone or if he's actually going to come home like he's supposed to without disappearing for hours at a time without notice..I don't want to be scared/sad or lonely anymore. I just want a normal boring life right now. I want it all to be over..I want to feel secure and safe and right now I couldn't be farther away.