Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Not so Wordless Wednesday

This is the first week I haven't done a Wordless Wednesday since I started blogging I believe. Honestly today just isn't wordless...I'm full of them....sad words,lonely words,angry words,scared words,nervous words....I'm alot of things today but wordless is not one of them.

I've been dreading today since Oct 10,2003. It's too quiet in our house. It hit me last night when I was making his lunch that everything was about to change and it would never be the same again. I'm just sad today...I wanna lay in my bed with the blinds pulled curled up in a ball and just cry. I don't want to talk..I don't want to see anyone..I don't want to do anything...I just want to wallow in my misery alone.

Jacob,on the other hand, has been excited about school. He's only shown alittle hesitation a couple of times and I quickly mentioned something fun that was going to happen to make him happy again. That's been the most difficult thing for me...keeping a brave face for him. Never once have I let him see my anxiety or see me cry about it...I didn't want him to be scared about going just because I was having a hard time letting go alittle. Last night as we got ready for bed he was adorable...he went to bed right away and laid down watching tv. I went in and turned it off and he looked completely shocked...he's so used to watching tv when he goes to lay down at night that he couldn't understand why he wasn't able to watch it last night. That was the hardest part for him last night. When I was making his lunch last night the tears could stay in no longer. He's at a wonderful school and I know that. We've had nothing but wonderful experiences there while Lucas has been there and we've never gotten a sour apple for a teacher. I don't have reason to be worried but I am. I fear more than anything that he's going to become a number and I don't want that to happen. I'm going to ensure that it doesn't! This morning when I woke up him up the first words out of his mouth as he leaned towards me for a hug were "I'm gonna miss you today Mommy" Talk about hitting a brick wall...I almost lost it! We got ready and he was excited...never showed any anxiety at all.

When we got to school we took Lucas to his room first which we were quickly informed was "babyish" Geez...he's only in 3rd grade..didn't realize we were to that stage yet. He didn't get away with walking himself yet though..I wasn't giving up that easily. It warmed my heart when he didn't hesitate giving his dad and I both kisses in front of his friends before we left..guess it's not so babyish after all :)

When we got to Jacob's room he got quiet and alittle nervous. We showed him where his seat was and he sat down to color while they waited for everyone to arrive. I felt so bad for him as I watched him sit there..he looked so uncomfortable and heart felt like it was ripping out of my chest. We both told him bye and gave him kisses...he never cried or got upset thank goodness because I swear if he had gotten upset I think I would have fallen to pieces. He was so strong and so good and I'm so proud of him. I pray that when I pick him up today he's had a great day and is excited to go back...I don't think I could handle it if he was upset.

Here's Lucas..."Mr. I'm not a baby so you don't need to walk me to class" big 3rd grader. Lord...I can't believe he's in the 3rd grade. He's very excited for school this year..he was selected for Challenge classes this year and he's really looking forward to those. So proud of this boy!!!!!

Wow! I miss this face during the day...I miss it all right now...going to take some getting used to with him not being here all day everyday. So proud of him though...he did excellent this morning!!!!

This picture scares me and makes me smile all at the same time. Lucas is so ready and so confidant as he's heading back to school and then there's Jacob walking up to that huge school. Ugh!!!! Just can't get my heart out of my stomach right now. Love this picture though...two school boys.

Here's Jacob as I was walking out the door...I looked back and was almost thankful he didn't look back. I was happy he was working on something!!

Okay I'm ready to go pick them up now! 3 hours down.....3.5 hours to go.


He & Me + 3 said...

Oh man this post hit me hard because Stunt man will be in Kindergarten next fall but this fall will be in preschool 5 half house will be so quiet too. I know your sadness. I hope his day went well.

Vicky said...

I know how hard this is on you! All day school is tough :) I say let yourself feel the way you do... just sit with it for awhile. I know there is a blessing in there somewhere, but it may take awhile to make itself known. I found a bigger bond with my youngest and we discovered some unknown interests he had (cooking) that I may have never found otherwise. Hugs to you these next few days! I truly understand :)

Cassie said...

Awww! I bet it is hard when they go to school...I don't even wanna think about it!

Alicia said...

Oh my gosh...your whole post made me want to cry!! It's like I could totally feel your emotions!!!!!! I would be a total basket case! And I'm sure the teachers are sooooo used to the first day meltdowns!!

E @ Scottsville said...

OH man, you really do have it bad today, don't you?

I bet he'll come home after a SUPER day and you'll feel so much better!

{{hugs}} my friend!

Tami said...

Your post made me a little teary eyed. It is so hard to send them off to school. Next year will be the hardest for me. Gabe will start Middle School. Jack will start K-5 and Maci Clare K-3. I will be curled up in a little ball bawling my eyes out.

♥Kim said...

Aw....I'm sorry Steph your feeling this way! :( I (almost) feel your pain!

Things will get better! It just takes a few adjustments for that first week or so and He'll do great!

We're all a little nervous & heart broken at first.

Heck I'm still concernd about my little one in daycare. :)

Hope today is better than yesterday!

P.S (I'm feeling some what better, Thanks for the sweet comment from the other day!! )

misguided mommy said...

Dude, is Lucas 7 feet tall. My lordy he is tall. Or, maybe I'm just short, can you even see me down here in 5'1" land?

MarvelousMOM said...

So sweet Stef! I am going to be a blubbering idiot with Skylar and Seth. Swae starts 2nd grade here soon...I will have tears then too I am sure!

drewmark19 said...

I have to go through this on Monday. Boohoo! :(

Just Jiff said...

awww! I sniffled when the bus picked Z up on his first day to school..for 2nd grade!!

Your boys look so much older than they are in their photos! Are they tall? Your kindergartener looks like he should be in 2nd or 3rd grade, and your 3rd grader looks like a 5th grader!!!

But both are very cute and handsome. :)

McCrakensx4 said...

They sure are handsome boys! Hope they had a fantastic first day of school and you too!!!