Thursday, May 7, 2009
As Allie's birthday is getting closer and closer(we are officially 20 days away today) I have been thinking more and more about when we found out that I was pregnant. We were not trying in fact we were done. We didn't want any more kids and never even thought about it..I already had my hands full. When I walked out of the bathroom and got two lines on that test I cried. I sat in the floor and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. David was in there and although shocked said that we would figure it out. I didn't know what to do...Caleb was still a baby at 9 months old and still needed me so much and here I was pregnant. I couldn't take care of two babies at once and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to give Caleb what he needed. I can't tell you how much I cried in the weeks that followed. I even spent the first few months of my pregnancy extremely detached from the entire situation. I remember slowly coming around and although not be estatic I knew I had to prepare and get things done. I remember stressing because money was tight and my mom stepping in and helping out when we got Allie's crib so that I wouldn't worry about it. When we found out that it was a girl David sobbed....it was all my husband and dad wanted....they wanted that little girl. I still had no idea what I had coming...I mean I had a good time shopping for the girl things and was shocked that I was looking at pink clothes and blankets but I had no idea my world was about to be rocked. Now I feel ashamed...I look at Allie and I am ashamed of how I reacted. I will never forgive myself for being upset and crying about her. Don't get me wrong....I love my boys but there's something different. There's a bond that I feel with Allie that I have never experienced in my life and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put it into words. Now she is getting ready to turn one and I have so many hopes and dreams...no matter what she does whether it's the path I think she should follow or not she'll never disappoint me...as long as she's happy..I vow to always always ALWAYS be there for her and support her. I am so blessed...I was given one of the greatest gifts of my life and in the beginning I had no idea what an impact she would have on my life. 20 months ago I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that I would get to see this face everyday...I mean seriously..does it get any better?