Thursday, May 7, 2009

In my Wildest Dreams


As Allie's birthday is getting closer and closer(we are officially 20 days away today) I have been thinking more and more about when we found out that I was pregnant. We were not trying in fact we were done. We didn't want any more kids and never even thought about it..I already had my hands full. When I walked out of the bathroom and got two lines on that test I cried. I sat in the floor and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. David was in there and although shocked said that we would figure it out. I didn't know what to do...Caleb was still a baby at 9 months old and still needed me so much and here I was pregnant. I couldn't take care of two babies at once and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to give Caleb what he needed. I can't tell you how much I cried in the weeks that followed. I even spent the first few months of my pregnancy extremely detached from the entire situation. I remember slowly coming around and although not be estatic I knew I had to prepare and get things done. I remember stressing because money was tight and my mom stepping in and helping out when we got Allie's crib so that I wouldn't worry about it. When we found out that it was a girl David sobbed....it was all my husband and dad wanted....they wanted that little girl. I still had no idea what I had coming...I mean I had a good time shopping for the girl things and was shocked that I was looking at pink clothes and blankets but I had no idea my world was about to be rocked. Now I feel ashamed...I look at Allie and I am ashamed of how I reacted. I will never forgive myself for being upset and crying about her. Don't get me wrong....I love my boys but there's something different. There's a bond that I feel with Allie that I have never experienced in my life and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put it into words. Now she is getting ready to turn one and I have so many hopes and dreams...no matter what she does whether it's the path I think she should follow or not she'll never disappoint me...as long as she's happy..I vow to always always ALWAYS be there for her and support her. I am so blessed...I was given one of the greatest gifts of my life and in the beginning I had no idea what an impact she would have on my life. 20 months ago I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that I would get to see this face everyday...I mean seriously..does it get any better?

18 comments:

amanda said...

with my last two pregnancies i cried. and i think it's okay. don't feel ashamed. because in the end you love her 'anyways'. you don't cry because she was born. you don't cry because you were pregnant. you cry because...'holy cow i'm surprised!!'. :0)

Everyday Mom Designs said...

So so sweet! You gave me chills!

Cassie said...

Aww don't feel bad. I think those were definitely natural reactions. She is so sweet, you are so blessed!

Crystal said...

Thank you so much for leaving such a sweet comment! The prayers and support of others really lift us up and keep us going during this difficult time. I am so blessed to have such amazing bloggin' friends like you!!

PS.. Thanks for hubby's birthday wishes!

Blessings to you and yours!

The Ice House said...

I was shocked when I found out about my 3rd. We kept joking how we didn't really WANT another and how it was UNPLANNED. One day I had been on the couch and when I stood up there was blood everywhere! I was scared to death that I was loosing that precious gift. Thankfully it was nothing and she was perfect, but God sure taught me a lesson that day. Never again have I said any of my babies weren't a WANTED pregnancy. They were just a great big surprise blessing from God.

When I found out about #4, I cried and cried. Really God, 4??? But God knows so much more than we do, doesn't He? Never in a MILLION years would I trade those blessings.

Happy early birthday to your precious gift! May her life always be blessed and may she grow up to be the same wonderful mother that you are to her.

Lori: Teacher Turned Mommy said...

isn't it amazing to look back and realize how blessed children make you feel!

Rhiana said...

What a touching post ... there is something about girls!

Gary will be up in Greenville today at Downtown Alive. I was going to bring the girls, but the weather may not cooperate. Hope to see you all soon!

He And Me + 3 said...

She is precious! Time does fly by so fast. You are so blessed to have her. What a perfect gift from above. God's plans are always better than our own huh?

Veronica said...

Great post! You are so right, this is what it's all about!!!

JC said...

Awww. She is a doll. Glad you have her in your life! :) Jennifer

Stephanie said...

Great post. Summer was 3 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Camryn. I remember sitting on my bed staring at the wall. Not exactly how you want to feel when you find out you are pregnant. I was detached from the pregnancy at first as well and didn't tell anyone except a few friends until I was 20 weeks along. I feel ashamed now as well, but what matters is that I can't imagine my life without her now, and she is loved just like she had been planned all along.

Alicia W. said...

Bless your heart! What a great heart felt post Stephanie. That last picture just melted my heart!

No.. to answer your question. It doesen't get any easier. Just hang in there.

I'm a absolute wreck about next weekend. Everyone I talked to is telling me to go.. The kids will be at home with my mom and perfectly safe and sound. I on the other hand will be THREE hours away for 2 1/2 days.. OMG How am I going to do this.. I have to make myself though. WE need this.. I need this and I even think the kids need this.. Say a little prayer for me won't ya?

Windy said...

girls are a dream come true, tied with a pink ribbon:)

Sneaky Momma said...

You sure have a lot to be thankful for. Your story is just another reminder that the Lord knows our wants better than we do. :)

theArthurClan said...

Having a daughter is such a special thing...it's easy to tell just how much you love her!

Don't get too hard on yourself. Those pregnancy hormones (and lack of sleep with taking care of a little one) can really do a number on a young mom. :)

Alicia said...

Awww..I love that picture!!!

Don't be ashamed of how you felt, Stephanie. At the time, you didn't know how else to feel. What matters is how you feel now!!

HUGS,
Alicia

Cassie said...

I left you an award on my blog :)

McCrakensx4 said...

What a sweet post and great pics to go with it, especially the last one! My Colin was a God's baby! Brendan was only 4 months old when I found out I was preggy with Colin! WoW and I cried too, ALOT! But I can't imagine my life without him! God knew what He was doing! And look at Allie now! She is so precious!