Thursday, January 29, 2009

Exhausted

This AA thing is wearing me out. Don't get me wrong I am proud of hubby and everything that he has done but it is exhausting. There are days I want to scream and run. There are days I just want my life back(the one back before alcohol became a third person in our marriage). There are days I just want out. He's doing well..in fact he's doing very well! He's a different person when he's not drinking and that's a relief but I still fear it just as much as I did six months ago and a year ago and on and on and on.

I was in the bathroom the other day and he was in the kitchen. I heard a soda can open and my heart dropped. I can't tell you how many times I heard that sound and it belonged to a beer can(thousands) and dreaded that it was "one more".

People in my family think I'm crazy..that I'm too uptight about it. Hell hubby even thinks so. He jokes about it and acts as though it doesn't bother him. I can't stand to be around someone drinking..I can't stand to see it. If a commercial comes on tv for alcohol it makes my skin crawl. If a song comes on the radio and talks about drinking at all I turn it. If I get emails that have anything to do with drinking I feel sick. I can't tell you the amount of times that I have sat up and wondered if my hubby was lying in a ditch somewhere,in jail because he got arrested for dui,at a bar or wondering if a cop was going to come to my door to tell me that something had happened. I can't do what everyone else is doing. I can't just move on and act as though everything is okay and that nothing ever happened.

I give 4 children 4 baths 7 days a week by myself. I make sure that everyone is in pjs and dinner is ready to go on the table when he gets home at 7 everynight. It's exhausting! There is NO break! There isn't a night a week reprieve and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm alone all the time. I know that this is the best thing for him to do but I'm so torn at times. There are people in his group that have been sober for years and still go to daily meetings. I am just not sure that I can live this way everyday for the rest of my life.

I get so tired to hearing that it's the addictions fault. I read books and they all say that it's not the person it's the addiction. Why do they get to put everything off onto the addiction? It's like they don't have to take responsibility for anything..they can just blame it on the addiction. It drives me insane.

I know that he's trying and really I am proud of him and I do think he is doing a good job. It is tiring though and it's wearing at me.

Other than that I've been sick and am trying to keep up with everyones blogs but I'm not succeeding. I'll eventually catch up. :)

12 comments:

Alicia said...

((Stephanie))

This is definitely a trial/storm that you're going through. But, thank God he is getting help. Just hang in there. Give it to God because He is the only one who is going to be able to give you peace. I can tell you have such a heavy heart, but the bible says in Matthew 11:28:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Love ya!
Alicia

theArthurClan said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this ~ I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be for you with taking care of all of your little ones at the same time.

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'll be lifting you up in prayer as well.

~Angie

Lori said...

that has to be hard, but you have to hope and pray that it will get better for everyone with time and patience!

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

Stephanie, I do not think these feelings are crazy at all. I cannot imagine being in your position. You must be tired. Maybe your husband would be willing to watch the kids while you get out of the house for a little bit? Poor thing. Sounds like you need a well-deserved break. Take care of yourself.
BTW, I have something for you over at my blog. Feel free to pick it up and pass it along!

Stacy said...

I believe you have the right to have those feelings. I can't imagine how hard it is. You do need a break. I pray things get better for you.

Ice House said...

I'm so sorry for you. I know how trying it can be when you are the ONE doing for the kids. My situation is very different but I do understand.

May I ask you if you go to church?
Here's why....it's a GREAT place to meet others, find peace in God AND someone else watches your children for a time. I know it can be tough getting them out the door, but it can be so worth it.

Sunday morning...2 hours...Sunday night....1-2 hours...Wednesday...1-2 hours

You will make friends and they will, too. You will also walk away feeling refreshed and better able to deal with your circumstances.

I'll be praying for you, your husband, your children and your marriage.

God bless you
Julie

Windy said...

You can do it! Keep your head up and keep on:)

He And Me + 3 said...

I know that you must be exhausted...I am exhausted reading about getting 4 kids bathed, dressed, feed, etc. I only get 3 done and I am worn out. You are allowed to have these feelings. I will pray for you and that you are able to get some much needed rest.

Julie said...

I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you & continues to be. The healing process for you will take awhile as well.

Hang in there. You're in my prayers.

McCrakensx4 said...

I hope and pray for your peace, Stephanie. I can't even begin to imagine the trials that you are facing, but know that you have your sisters in Christ and bloggy land in your corner. Wish there was something more I could do. Please know that I am praying for you and the family.

momstheword said...

Oh, Stephanie, I wish I could come over and watch your children for you and give you some time for yourself.

I just spoke with someone recently whose hubby is in rehab and she pretty much said the same thing you did. She is frustrated because she feels that her hubby gets an "out" and is not taking responsibility for his choices or his actions.

I agree with you that it's awesome that your hubby is attending those meetings. Hopefully he won't always need to continue to attend as often and will be able to still be successful and yet be home sometimes.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I know it must be hard.. I'm sorry.. You're doing a great job though.. I can barely keep up with one kid, who isn't even walking yet...