Updates

Wow! The internet has been up for an entire day-for the first time in multiple days that is. I am in complete shock! There is no telling how long it will last though-the cable people are scheduled to come out Thursday so up until then it's pretty much hit and miss.

I feel like I've been wrung out today. It is bitter cold here-well bitter cold for the south that is. The high is only in the mid thirties and it's in the teens overnight. People in the south live in the south so we don't have to deal with the bitter cold :) so we're all complaining.

I've been doing laundry all day long nonstop to catch up. I found that by doing little things throughout the day that I usually do at night makes things much easier since I don't have to worry about it now. Lucas had his first basketball game tonight so that made the day even more complicated than a normal day. I think complicated is how my days go lately though. David had to work late and since he worked late that puts him at a late meeting tonight so I had homework/dinner/basketball/baths/bedtime with four kids by myself. Makes for an interesting day.

I've had several people email me and ask how I'm doing and how David is doing so I thought I'd update tonight alittle. First off I can't tell all of you what your support has meant to me. When I started blogging I had absolutely no idea the bond and support network that I would find out here. I have found true friends that I know will be there for me and I could never tell you all how much you mean to me.

David is doing well. He passed 30 days on Sunday(yesterday). He has started a new job and is enjoying it. He's back where he was before his previous job and I believe he's happy to be back with some of the same people he worked with before. He is still going to his daily meetings and doing his reading and seems very positive about the future.

I am proud that he didn't let the relapse get and keep him down. I know that he could have easily just given up and I have to say that knowing that he's trying means something. On the other hand 30 days seems so small considering where we came from. It just doesn't seem like much at this point to me. My days are still long and I have more bad days than good days. It is a constant struggle. My nerves are completely shot and I have multiple panic attacks a day even when on my meds. I am still extremely angry and upset though I try to push those feelings to the back and not deal with them right now. If I'm busy it's easier to deal because I don't think. I am going to find an al anon group to go to but right now it's about finding one that will fit in my schedule. I am also looking for a counselor though I haven't found one yet. I don't know what the future holds-I know that I want to be with my family. I want for things to be good again and I want to trust. Honestly right now I can't imagine the day when I can fully trust him again though. I think 20 years down the road if I call him and he doesn't answer the first time I call I will doubt. I don't know if I want to live like that-I don't know if I can live like that. It's hard and it's difficult to explain the feelings.

So that's where we are now-I'm looking for peace in the midst of all the chaos. Right now I'm thankful for my family and for those that are here for me and supportive. I know I could be alone with noone so I am trying to remember that I'm blessed!