Issues

I've written before about my issues and the way I have or have not dealt with David's alcoholism. I have constant panic attacks because of it even to this day though people around me have no idea even though they might be standing right there when it happens. It is a struggle - a daily struggle. Out of all days it hit me on our anniversary what was really bothering me.

We went to eat dinner at a local Japanese restaurant after a very long day at the ballpark. This is one of our favorite restaurants and really on the rare occasion that we get to go out it is usually where we will choose to eat. My parents came over to watch the kids for a little while so that we could eat a quiet dinner together - or not so quiet as it turned out.

We sat at a pair of tables that had two of the most rowdy chefs in the entire restaurant apparently. They played off of each other like you wouldn't believe and were crass - boy it was unbelieveable. From the moment we walked in it was like we were sitting at a table of 18 instead of 8 and it was constant hoopla. I knew from the moment that the chef asked if anyone was celebrating anything and David said it was our anniversary that I was going to puke! From that moment on it all went downhill. The chef made a big deal out of the fact that we were there - really more of a show out of it than I have ever seen in a restaurant!!!! I was dealing with it until I heard him ask the waitress for some rice wine. I immediately had back to back panic attacks and was extremely nervous. David didn't even hear him but when I did I thought surely he's not getting that for us - I've never seen them do anything like that before in this restaurant let alone any other restaurant we've ever been to. That is until the waitress walks out with a large bottle of sake and 3 cups. For those of you that don't know sake is is Japanese liquor that is served hot and is very strong!!! I've only had it once - and whoo it'll burn your throat! As I wanted to crawl under the table and my heart was beating about 3000 times a minute David realized what he was doing too. As I was telling him that we didn't drink David realized what he was doing and spoke up also - Bless his heart!!! The guy must of thought we were kidding and starting to give it to us anyway - I finally got almost angry about it and said "We Don't Drink!!" Ugh! The chef went on to give it to a lady at the table directly across from us and the other chef and they went on to do shot after shot after shot then following up with vodka that was on the cart. I've never in my life seen the chefs there drink while they were cooking and have never seen them give it out to the customers - I was astonished and extremely uncomfortable!

I ate very little of my food and was more than ready to get out of there and just go home. Then it hit me later on that night - I'm not uncomfortable with people drinking necessarily because of me but I am uncomfortable with it because of David. I'm scared for him - scared is not even the word - I'm terrified for him! He says it doesn't bother him but I just can't understand that - it can't be good for him to be offered something let alone sit there and watch someone else drink. It makes me stop in my tracks to think about what would happen if he were to relapse again - I don't think I could handle it again and it sends my head spinning. To top if off things have been busy!!!! He's been working extremely long hours and up until last night we've had baseball practice every single day for the last 6 weeks. It's been weeks since he's been able to make it to a meeting and even before that one it was weeks also. I'm on pins and needles and simply scared! Don't get me wrong I don't like to see people drink - it makes me uncomfortable - I know what it has done to my life. It has torn me apart and changed everything around me. I've watched it almost destroy my husband and that's not okay with me. Simply seeing someone pour a glass of wine or fix themselves a drink can give me a panic attack! But for the first time I realized that one of the biggest reasons it makes me so uncomfortable is because I'm scared for David - scared of what it might do to him if he sees it even if he says it doesn't bother him.

It's a daily struggle and one I don't think will ever go away. I still worry and panic and stress over it. The dinner that was supposed to be quiet and enjoyable was anything but! I don't know that I have a desire to go back there - it was such a disaster! Why do people automatically assume that you drink? Why is society that way? It never struck me until we dealt with the issues we have but it is always automatically assumed that you drink. I hate that!

Updates

Wow! The internet has been up for an entire day-for the first time in multiple days that is. I am in complete shock! There is no telling how long it will last though-the cable people are scheduled to come out Thursday so up until then it's pretty much hit and miss.

I feel like I've been wrung out today. It is bitter cold here-well bitter cold for the south that is. The high is only in the mid thirties and it's in the teens overnight. People in the south live in the south so we don't have to deal with the bitter cold :) so we're all complaining.

I've been doing laundry all day long nonstop to catch up. I found that by doing little things throughout the day that I usually do at night makes things much easier since I don't have to worry about it now. Lucas had his first basketball game tonight so that made the day even more complicated than a normal day. I think complicated is how my days go lately though. David had to work late and since he worked late that puts him at a late meeting tonight so I had homework/dinner/basketball/baths/bedtime with four kids by myself. Makes for an interesting day.

I've had several people email me and ask how I'm doing and how David is doing so I thought I'd update tonight alittle. First off I can't tell all of you what your support has meant to me. When I started blogging I had absolutely no idea the bond and support network that I would find out here. I have found true friends that I know will be there for me and I could never tell you all how much you mean to me.

David is doing well. He passed 30 days on Sunday(yesterday). He has started a new job and is enjoying it. He's back where he was before his previous job and I believe he's happy to be back with some of the same people he worked with before. He is still going to his daily meetings and doing his reading and seems very positive about the future.

I am proud that he didn't let the relapse get and keep him down. I know that he could have easily just given up and I have to say that knowing that he's trying means something. On the other hand 30 days seems so small considering where we came from. It just doesn't seem like much at this point to me. My days are still long and I have more bad days than good days. It is a constant struggle. My nerves are completely shot and I have multiple panic attacks a day even when on my meds. I am still extremely angry and upset though I try to push those feelings to the back and not deal with them right now. If I'm busy it's easier to deal because I don't think. I am going to find an al anon group to go to but right now it's about finding one that will fit in my schedule. I am also looking for a counselor though I haven't found one yet. I don't know what the future holds-I know that I want to be with my family. I want for things to be good again and I want to trust. Honestly right now I can't imagine the day when I can fully trust him again though. I think 20 years down the road if I call him and he doesn't answer the first time I call I will doubt. I don't know if I want to live like that-I don't know if I can live like that. It's hard and it's difficult to explain the feelings.

So that's where we are now-I'm looking for peace in the midst of all the chaos. Right now I'm thankful for my family and for those that are here for me and supportive. I know I could be alone with noone so I am trying to remember that I'm blessed!

Here We Are

I can't describe the last few days. My feelings have been all over the map...one minute I'm up and the next I'm the lowest I've ever been. It's exhausting to be honest.

We finally were able to sit down and talk..that was aggravating enough to me in itself. The tension in our house has been off the wall for the last few days. He can be right beside me and yet I feel like we're miles apart. His sponsor apparently told him that he needed to clear his head before he sat down to talk to me and he didn't need to get into an argument right now. As a result I felt like he didn't care and it only made me angrier than I already was.

The hardest part of it all is that I know that I will never feel safe and secure again. It's been that way for a while but it's just now hitting me again full force. This fight will never be over and I am horrified that something is going to happen. I question whether the decision I have made to stay is the right one. Am I doing what is right for my kids...because that's where I'm at right now. I love my husband with all of my heart and would obviously do anything in the world for him but right now I feel like I need to do what's best for my kids. Thankfully they're young enough that they don't know what's going on right now. They know that things have been tense and my nerves have been shot for the last week but they don't know the details of everything. I have spared them of that...it's another hot spot for me also. I cover up for him and he looks like this great dad and man again while I know the truth of everything that has happened. Ugh! Right now I am so scared though..I worry about what he's doing and the effect is it could have on the kids one day if he relapses again. If something happens to him what I'll have to tell them. Having Allie grow up without her Daddy is one of my biggest fears right now...I know that boys need their dad but having a little girl whose Daddy rules her world and have so much hanging in the balance right now is so scary.  I can't walk away right now..I just don't have it in me. I can't take his kids away..I just can't do it. It would kill them and him at the same time. I just pray that everything works out this time...I pray it works! It just has to!

I am sad..I'm angry...I'm lonely....I'm cold...I'm just miserable.

There are moments when I look at him and see the man that I married...there are moments we laugh and then it hits me..the reality of what is going on and then I fall down again.

The one person in this world that I should be able to depend on to keep me safe and secure and to never hurt me has broken me down. I want my normal boring life back and the worst part of it is that I know it is never going to happen. I will never go another day and not think about alcohol. I hate alcohol! It makes me cringe when I see people drink...it has destroyed my life and yet I know that people think I'm crazy when I say that but it's how I feel. I'll will never hear another can pop open and not have a flashback to a beer can being opened. I'll never call my husband and have him not answer the phone without wondering if he's in a bar or sitting somewhere drinking by himself. I'll never not wonder and that's a scary thought. The only thing he can tell me is that he's sorry but he can't make it better. He can't fix me and it makes me mad. He did this! How can someone break someone down so much and then do nothing more than utter the words I'm sorry but I love you more than I could ever say? Why couldn't he love me enough to not pick up a drink?

He says he knows what he has to lose and he's trying. I know he is..he's back in AA on a daily basis and feels like he knows what he did wrong last time. He stopped going to regular meetings..there were weeks he would only make it to one when he should have made it to many more.

On the other hand I know I need help. I have to have help because I'm falling apart. Things are still going here though...he seems to be doing better and has a clearer mind today. I wish I could say the same for me.

Hell

What a hellish week! It feels like the days have just drug on and on and on without end. I feel exhausted emotionally and physically yet I feel like I haven't even dealt with the big stuff yet. It didn't end with the first relapse...we continued through a second night of it and things just got worse that following day. I felt like I was in a nightmare with a person that I didn't know at all. I can't begin to describe what living with someone and their  addiction is like to someone that hasn't experienced it firsthand..it's almost impossible..it's the scariest and most lonely thing I have ever seen. Things have yet to sink in..I am still going through the motions and trying to just make it through the day. I have to say thank you though..the support I've received from everyone has been beyond anything I ever imagined. I can't say thank you enough! I am so blessed to have people that care so much about me and are there for me to talk to and lean on no matter what. Right now I'm scared to get deep down...I don't want to deal with what I've dealt with before..I don't want to be back at day one. I don't want to live the last year of my life over again..I don't want to have multiple panic attacks a day..I don't want to watch my husband drive out of the driveway and not know if he's going to relapse while he's gone or if he's actually going to come home like he's supposed to without disappearing for hours at a time without notice..I don't want to be scared/sad or lonely anymore. I just want a normal boring life right now. I want it all to be over..I want to feel secure and safe and right now I couldn't be farther away.

9 Months

I'm in a place today that a year ago I never thought I'd be. Today David hit 9 months sobriety and the air is so much cleaner...the world is brighter and looking forward to tomorrow feels good. I'm amazed at what he's done and how far he has come...there's not a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't be where we are today without him working constantly at staying sober. I'm so thankful for what he has done for our family and how he has not only brought us together but held us tighter and made us closer!

What a difference a month makes!

30 days ago today I thought there was absolutely no hope. I thought that I was going to have to find a way to make it through life by myself. 30 days later I have hope. David has been sober for 30 days today! There are still tough days that I go through. I read books about it and there are moments I sit and just scream at the book. There are many things I don't understand and that make absolutely no sense to me at all. I still have times when I can't see the positives regardless of how I view the picture but most of the time I am trying very hard to stay hopeful and positive. He's trying and it is very clear how serious he is about staying sober this time. I am in awe of what he is doing. I am thankful more than anything...30 days without alcohol have been glorious! It is such a relief to not have it. So here we are 30 days later in a completely different boat than where we were 30 days ago. Without a doubt the fight isn't over but for the moment I have hope and that is what matters.